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I have just experienced the best weekend...well, certainly the best in the longest time!
The new beau told me Thursday night that he was coming to see me...and I was so excited, I barely slept. He arrived Friday after work, and we got to chill and make out and yes...more! haha
We also spent the Saturday afternoon fishing. Sitting together, hanging...talking...it was so unbelievably comfortable. I felt so connected. And when he left at lunchtime Sunday (he lives 4 hours away) I felt the emptyness of my place almost immediately. Which made me realise how much Ive been alone the past few months.
This is the first normal relationship Ive had in a long long long time. Yes. I have been involved in an affair, which I ended. But. Its so important to me to have a basis in friendship, that I dont pursue anything unless I know that it didnt start out as just someone going after sex.
This is a whimsical post! Theres no real flow is there?? haha
I also...also...have weightloss to report!! haha. Im not sure how, but I managed to lose weight...haha... I havent weighed or measured myself, but my clothes are all fitting better and I managed to pull on work pants that I havent even attempted to wear in the past few months...things are looking up.
Now all I have to do is get my work situation to fall into line!
So I've been thinking for the better part of my night - about my personal insecurities...fueled by my friend.
Im usually, a brush it off kinda girl. But lately, this friend is constantly making herself feel better by constantly going on about my flaws - which are just that, MINE - not hers. I know I need to say something, I dont generally have such insecurity...but something has taken ahold in my mind, and I cant shake it. Its a desperate feeling.
I think its really hit home because, Ive started to develop a relationship with a new beau...who, as the world would have it, is this particular friends exboyfriend and good friend.
I just feel like my confidence is being undermined, even though, she says that everything is fine with the way things are going with me and this other friend. I just dont know what to do....time to speak up I guess....
How to approach it? Be direct, and not apologise.... or..... mention it in passing and gloss over....
decisions decisions...
I was in the shower earlier and I was washing my hair and considering my life. Im not about to go mills and boons on you here and describe my shower - just that's where I do my best thinking. I think its because its all very routine and relaxing and your mind is free to just roam...
Anyways. I was considering the latest of my failed attempts at establishing a relationship when I realised that I always let myself sabotage what I want. Every single time. I let work take over my life... I usually say "I dont have a life, I work" BUT I DO HAVE A LIFE! I HAVE MY LIFE! AND I AM IMPORTANT TO ME! AND IF I WANT THIS LIFE TO CONTINUE, I GOTTA TREAT ME BETTER! The strange this is... I was stunned to realise that I was truly able to think this rationally. To be able to see it. Finally.
I put everything else first. Career, family, money issues, friends...never do I first consider myself. So I decided this morning, that I wasnt prepared to keep going this way. If it takes a failed relationship to wake up and make me start to be true to myself, then I guess, as always, something came of the mistake....
This is an erratic post. I think everything in your life is linked. I used the same excuses to sabotage the relationship as I do when I think - Cripes, I need to do something about my weight. I think Ive finally managed to admit it to myself. Im all about the excuses. And its time to make them stop.
Yes. There is a 12 step plan for alcoholics. Wheres the 12 step plan for foodaholics?? WHERE???
Im using online resources, weight watchers resources from when I joined...2 years ago now! Also walking to work and just...trying to be better in general
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It's been an eternity since I last posted to here! Nothing in life has changed too much. Still the Fat Girl. Still got the same problems Ive always seemed to have...now they're a little more adult, a little more related and a little more crazy!
So whats changed? I finally quit my job, and I moved to a small town. Which is crazy. But. I like small town life. The move happened just on 9 months ago...and Im starting to feel trapped and antsy again, so Im getting ready to move on again...job searching and applying and we all know how the crazy ride between jobs goes
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I dunno where Im at...at the moment. Its actually probably the worst Ive felt here at work. And the only thing that comes to mind is...just quit. Walk away, give up on it and let someone else take over. Cos thats what everyone does here. Just leaves it for someone else to clean up, without consideration. Sad hey?
But then I feel guilty-er than before, and I cant help but get stressed, feel sick in the stomach and freak out about whatever...which leads to way late nights at work, driving all the way home to the coast and dragging my tired body back out of bed in time to get to work and start all over again
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Sometimes I wish my life had a narrative. That way I could listen in and, from the droning voice relating this weeks moral to the story, Id have a decent idea as to what was coming next.
How do you tell your boss you're under too much pressure? That its affecting your sleeping patterns, relationships, and eating habits. For the first time in my life, Im undertaking emotional eating. It scares the absolute pants off me to think that, I mindlessly open the fridge door, and then raise whatever I get out to my mouth and just chew and swallow. Im not thinking about it until after Im half way through, but then, Im making a conscious decision to get it in the first place
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I cant seem to get any part of my life to line up with the others at the moment...and its driving me a little bit crazy. I dont have to know every small detail that happens in my life, but I currently dont seem to have anything moving in the same direction. Its an out of control, but seriously empty feeling, all at the same time....
I havent spoken to him yet either. I havent seen him since I posted the last blog. Did you read it? Are you too scared to talk to me? To really listen to what I have to say
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These days I find myself torn. Between whats right, whats wrong, what I may be feeling, what I am feeling, what I want and who I need. I guess you could say that, Im using people in my life to fill needs that the ones I want to fill them cannot. I accepted long ago that I was in love with someone I couldnt have. And now, Im being loved by someone I dont love back. And I feel like Im using him up and I cant stop because, to say it out loud will break his heart. I mean, Ive had years to figure my own heart out. And it wants what it wants. But, Im not so sure I can destroy someone elses world. I dont want to be the bad guy, and in, as much as I care about him, I cant keep letting him hold on because I want to do the right thing by not hurting him, but Im also doing the wrong thing by not being upfront. And I cant stop! If only this was still school and I could get a friend to tell him that it was over
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Comment by carliastar
on Should the Girl Ever Propose?
Fat Girl saves the world