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September 21st 2009 14:53
For 5 months, Ive been more or less on my own. While Ive met people, surrounded myself with new faces, its still lonely. Most of the people Ive met are perfectly nice, OK and sometimes fun, but I miss my friends. I want to be with somebody who I can just relax with. The kind of people at home who I feel no need to try and prove myself to.
I go out here; it was the same in Africa, and drink, partly because we all know its easier to get along with strangers when youre drunk and mostly because I enjoy it. But I drink, let my guard down and a start to act like I do with my Australia friends and it usually ends in a new person hating me or a severe name-calling.
Does this mean my friends in Australia put up with me needlessly, or do we just operate on the same wavelength.
This is what compelled me to sit up and write. Im naked, but not cold, sitting here, I think its around two in the morning. My room, here at Conxas house is hospitable enough, though it feels sparse. Like I should leave my clothes in my bag, because I wont be here for long.
And to honest with you, (I dont know if anybody actually reads this so Im not sure who Im being honest to) I want to go home. At first I scoffed at the idea of coming home early. My trip was originally planned as 8 months and I felt like I would be failing myself if I gave in. That was how it felt after a week in Cape Town. I wanted to come home, I hated it, I was all alone and I had nobody to talk to. But I made friends and began to see how beautiful and exciting Cape Town is. I got over the feeling,
Now though, It feels different. I want to come home because Im not doing the travelling I wanted to do. I dont have the money. Im sitting around, going to pubs. Though now I have a job and Im falling into the same routine I was in Australia. But without my friends. I dont have the people that I could talk to at home. I feel like Im just killing time until I go home.
Now its like Im not doing myself a disservice, it feels more like admitting to myself that this needs to be done.
So now its seven months. Im coming back in December. Early December.
This is why I cant sleep. I just had the urge to leave right now. Just say, fuck it. Im going home. And I miss Julia. More than I thought I would.
As much as London is an exciting city to be in. Whats the point if you dont have anybody to share it with?
Yesterday I was walking across the Millennium Bridge, over the Thames. And as I was halfway across I realised how beautiful the view down the river was at night. And I caught myself thinking, I wish Julia was here with me to enjoy this. I stood for a minute and watched a boat power away. But then reality came swooping back; I put my collar up and kept walking.
In Africa, I felt like I learned something about myself. Like I'd expanded my personality and having seen possibly the most appalling and, I mean it in a good way, simple ways of living, I felt like I could be more honest with myself. It would never get as bad as that. I realised how lucky I am.
But London, especially after that experience, made me realise how little most of these people care for anything like that. Its sad that its like that. London is such a disembodied city. You could traverse the entire city and never get a smile. Everyone talks about how theres lots of crazies out these days, like the streets were infested with mad men just waiting to make some twisted signal such as eye contact, jump up on the tube, masturbate wildly and start their killing spree. I just want to be with someone I can be honest with.
All Im trying to say is that being here, feeling lonely without anyone close to me is making me feel more detached from the city and its people every day.
The solution? Put my head down, stare pensively at my pint and wait.
September 13th 2009 02:53
just to remind you lot. I am still here. I have to post something before they shut me down, so it might as well be something shitty.
Ill post something worthwhile when i come up with something decent.
Bear with me
Thoughts on Ghana
You know, its my final days in Ghana. And I think that maybe because its my final days here, Im feeling more affectionate towards the place than possibly I wouldve before now.
Ok, I know that if youve talked to me before now I have had many untoward things to say about the place.
Yes, it has its bad points. It has open sewers and naked men. It has persistent hawkers and untoward propositions, but they all seem to add to the charm at the end of the day.
Im thinking back on my time here, and while Im desperate to move on to my next destination and a decent meal, I'm glad Ive come here. Im happy I experienced Ghana and the particular experiences it has to offer. I mean, having left a place where I suffer being stared at near constantly I think I could appreciate the anonymity I usually take for granted at home to a whole new degree. Also some fucking milk would be nice.
Ok Ghana, you get hassled, you get harassed, you will probably get ripped off at some point. But it all adds to the experience, I mean, outside of Accra you can experience some of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, to name at least one, Ada Foa.
Ada Foa, I think may well be as near as paradise as you can get. Peaceful beyond belief and as enjoyable as you would like it to be. I mean, while I was there, I had three very different experiences on the three nights I stayed.
The first night, we listened to the local Rasta play the drums and sing hideously out of tune, but Mr 2, Huge-o and I could only appreciate his genius. Possibly because we were both high, but regardless I still feel the man has some talent. Eventually I fell asleep on a hammock and had to be ushered away to a tent for some safety against the hordes of death bringing mosquitoes. I feel, apart from the death by insect, that the evening reflected a quiet night with friends appreciating some music. We shared a moment that was ultimately trivial but will mean a lot to me whenever I remember it.
The second night was more eventful. With other Ubronis arriving from a camp nearby, we had some company and I would hazard a guess that most of us got quite loud.
We drank the local rum and stayed up talking about nonsense the more extreme sexual conquests.
The third night was a completely different affair. Which sounds pretentious, but still, it was.
After the second night me, Willie, and Gero were left alone.
Gero, the odd but well meaning and often hilarious German could not be persuaded to leave until he had caught a fish. That day, after the others had left and we had settled, napped and had lunch. We rowed away on a tiny boat captained by Eddie the Ghanaian. The boat was no wider than I am and was about as long as three of me laying down. So it required two to row (Gero and I), one man to steer (Eddie the Ghanaian) and one man to untangle the fishing nets, which was Willie.
We aimed to catch a fish. Which, between the three of us wouldnt be too much to ask, you would think. One dead aquatic creature with the intelligence of my shoe, you would think would be hard pressed to avoid the infinitely more refined intellect of a superior organism. But sadly no. We were outsmarted by fish.
For three days before I joined them, Gero and Willie had tried to catch a fish. They failed.
And after the end of our day of failed fishing we hadnt caught a thing either. I was beginning to think Gero knew nothing about fishing.
Eddie the Ghanaian covertly told me that we werent even fishing in the right spot but Gero was too single minded to even hear this. We got back to the camp at dark, so we started the bonfire.
Now I have to tell you, in Ada Foa, if not in the whole of Ghana. There seems to be a shocking amount of weed present. Not shocking because I was shocked by the fact it was there. Shocking because of the sheer amount the Rasta and Eddie the Ghanaian smoked. Naturally, we were nearby and so forced to participate in this heinous act. So by the time we finished dinner and got to sitting around the fire. We were much too high to even say a thing to each other. We sat in silence for what must have been at least two hours. Eventually, I stumbled away to my room and slept like id died. I still woke up at 6 though. Later Willie told me Gero had fallen asleep sitting on a deck chair knee deep in water grasping a fishing line. He still didnt catch anything.
That might not sound really that fun, but it seemed appropriate at the time. I sat there and stared at the fire. I stared at the fire and thought about home, I thought about Julia, I thought about my friends and how I wanted to see them. But while I wanted to see them, Im so glad I came away. I was just spiralling down a circle at home. Feeling worse and worse for myself and needing a change. So Im still glad Ive done this.
I think the trip to Ghana really has done something to change my confidence. Well I hope it has, it was a chance to do something outside my confidence zone, which this whole trip is. I mean, even if I have to do it alone, theres places in Europe Ive promised myself to see. I cant avoid it. If I do, ill be doing myself a disservice.
I actually would recommend Ghana to somebody that wanted to experience an African country. If someone wanted to see how someone with nothing to their name lived, I would say come to Africa and it will change your perception of poor. I will humble you to your lifestyle.
I mean, it will piss you off at times. It will make you angry and sad on occasion. But it will also make you love people.
Outside Accra you can experience Africans who are so excited to see white people you cant help but get caught up in it. Its incredibly unique. In Accra, you get attention because you are white and thus seen to have money which can be exploited. But in the small towns, youre a novelty just because you are white. Its an interesting experience. Its hard to explain.
You know, basically, Im recommending Africa to someone who wants to see a different side of life. Cape Town was an eye opener, at times magnificently beautiful but also ugly in unnecessarily disgusting ways. The huge lifestyle and attitude difference between the rich and the poor there is putrid in a way Ive never experienced before. The decadence present only 10 minutes walk away from people living in one room shacks, I feel, is the worst inhuman attitude to have.
Though its immature to ask someone to present a fast track solution to the problem there needs to be a reform of certain systems, as with Ghana (which is another post all together) that are just plainly failing the people of the country.
Regardless of all of this, I feel a certain attachment to Ghana. Europe, I can only hope, will be a bucket of fun but Africa was a learning experience.
I would be sad about leaving some people. But I have to say Im going to visit the best of them to the best of my ability.
Ghana has its charms.
But fuck I could go for a proper fucking breakfast.
Fuck You. Let me just say this before we start. You could say it was my manifesto. Im a little sick of self-indulgent cocks with no humility that dash around showing off their ignorance or lack of imagination.
Ok, Im a lot sick of it
[ Click here to read more ]
I've been thinking, and i'm sick of a few things.
And as this is my blog and I can write whatever the hell I want on here. I might as well tell you. Because i'm probably speaking to myself anyway.
[ Click here to read more ]
I probably won't be writing on here as much anymore.
Mostly because I don't have enough original ideas to populate two exciting blogs. But rest assured. I'll continue writing the other one, which is located at
[ Click here to read more ]
I probably won't be writing on here as much anymore.
Mostly because I don't have enough original ideas to populate two exciting blogs. But rest assured. I'll continue writing the other one, which is located at
[ Click here to read more ]
I probably won't be writing on here as much anymore.
Mostly because I don't have enough original ideas to populate two exciting blogs. But resst assured. I'll continue writing the other one, which is located at
[ Click here to read more ]
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Comments (2)
Comment by Calum Wilson Austin
on Rosemary's Baby
The Big Kahuna Burger
Bloody Jaw
It's a glorified synopsis.
It's a damn wikipedia article.