Orble - Butterfly with a Bomb

Butterfly with a Bomb

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20th Century Fox first studio to reboot film before release

April 4th 2011 12:12

20th century fox today set a new standard in forward planning when they announced they would be rebooting one of 2012's expected blockbusters 6 months before it is released.

'Audiences are tired of waiting up to three years for a franchise to reboot', the fox chairman said in his announcement, 'this way audiences will be able to see the newest and therefor best movie first. When the original is released six months later audiences will be able to see that the reboot was in fact the better version'.

There was also an announcement that several of fox's 2011 releases would be preceded by their prequels. 'Audiences are tired of waiting up 9 months for a prequel that calls into question the subject matter of the original movie' the chairperson read from his napkin, 'this way audiences will be able to see the first part first in what we are calling a Chrono-logequel', he spelled out pho-net-i-cally.

Do you welcome these bold moves to simplify the complicated process of re-releasing the same tired crap over and over? Or do you believe that the film industry treats its customers like a bunch of hairy palmed mongoloids who will like what their given and be damn well grateful?

'Sometimes I wear my 3D glasses in the shower' the chairman went on to say'.

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Posted By: Chris Milton - Category: No Category

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Cinema Goes 4D

March 7th 2011 17:32

In an attempt to counter the recent slump in 3D cinema ticket sales, one of the UK's largest cinema chains is preparing to roll out the worlds first 4D auditoriums. In addition to enjoying the immersive three dimensional imagery which has now become common place, cinema goers will soon be able to experience the fourth dimension: time.

Using sophisticated temporal displacement technology it is now possible to physically move through time in a linear fashion while watching the latest blockbuster movie. If for example you go to watch the 3pm showing of Joel Schumacher's 'Out of Touch' you will emerge from the cinema at roughly 5pm. You will have quite literally travelled through time by a full two hours. If you have chosen to watch some sort of period drama it may even seem like you were in there for much longer.

The considerable cost of implementing this new technology means that we are set for another sharp rise in ticket prices, but we can't let a weak economy stand in the way of progress. That would be like letting the economy win. You don't want the economy to win, do you?

In order to upgrade to 4D technology each cinema auditorium will require the installation of a Temporal Displacement Hub which looks a little like an empty cardboard box, and movie patrons will be required to wear a Displacement Shield and a Temporal Tether. Also some Temporal Slippers may be required to guard against Time Chill.

Will 4D prove to be just the latest fad? Or will the movie going public open their arms and their wallets to give this latest bit of unnecessary yet shiny technology a great big futuristic hug? Only time will tell.

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Posted By: Chris Milton - Category: No Category

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M. Night Shyamalan goes for broke with his latest mystery thriller 'The Twistening'

February 18th 2011 21:56

There was a time when film makers relied on story telling and relatable characters to keep us interested, but thankfully those days are well and truly over. 'The Twistening' represents a bold leap forward in film making as it forgoes any real story in favour of unfathomable plot twists roughly every 90 seconds. One of the problems a modern film maker faces is that audiences have become so accustomed to the third act twist that they often see it coming. So is it time to drop the surprises and concentrate on making movies with substance? 'Hell no!' says 'director' M. Night Shyamalan, 'the aim of my latest project is to make so many frankly ludicrous twists that no one will have a clue what is going on and will end up weeping with frustration right into their toffee popcorn or share-size M&Ms'.

In a world ravaged by relentless plot twists Nedwin Dullard (Orlando Bloom) leads a rag-tag group of survivors across America towards the safe zone, which in a twist does not really exist (but secretly kind of does). Bloom recently revealed that he employed the ‘method acting’ technique for the role allowing him to deliver a performance so wooden that it goes all the way around to seeming good again, but then a goes a bit further so it still seems shit. All six Shyamalan fans will be pleased to know he has once again employed his trademark writing style of not including a single believable line of dialogue, dismissing realistic conversations as 'old fashioned' and 'hard to write'. The time saved by cutting corners on the script will be used in post production to convert the film into 3D, which in a shocking twist you won't be given the glasses for.

So will Ned make it to the safe zone, or is it really just a state of mind? Is Nedwin the focus of a government mind control project? Are alien dolphins tampering with our birth control? All these questions and more will remain unanswered (or be so poorly answered you’ll wish you hadn’t asked) when ‘The Twistening’ hits theatres last summer. Twist!

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Posted By: Chris Milton - Category: No Category

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Write a hit song with Will.i.am

February 15th 2011 16:42

Hello chums, Will.I.am here. You probably know me best as the star of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. As well as getting paid to do brilliant acting, some of my other money is from music which I make up. Today I am going to teach you how to write a chart topping song just like mine. Before we get started you should make sure your stenographer has plenty of sharp pencils and tell your assistant to hold all your calls, you don’t want anything getting in the way of your creative flow. Now lets make some music.

Part one: The beat

[ Click here to read more ]

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