Butterflies And Bee-Stings (LINK)
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I was recently asked by many of my viewers one way or another individually, why do I think the divorce rate was so high in the world? Now let me firmly say that I am no way, an expert on this subject. Second, while wanting to comment on this and have been blessed to have travel around the word a few times, I wasn not really trippin on who was married and who was getting divorced. Now yeah, somewhere in the background of the noise pollution we have somehow learn to block out, I have heard this or that on the subject. But it was never really a priority for me to really find out why, though I hope I do not fall into that statistic whenever I do walk the isle. I feel that the question I just asked you to ask yourself, is something that all first depends on the people, the circumstances, the age range of those getting married and much much more. In may ways and even though that question seems at first to be pretty specific, when you actually take the time to give it its just due and try to answer or define it, you start realizing that like with everything else, there are many sides, angles and more you need to look at, before even looking at the initial question. But for the sake of argument and cohesion, lets just start with one subject or side to the whole that has more sides to it than we know, and confront this question as one, piece by piece. But maybe we wont need to do that, because I guess they did not ask me to research and find the actual answer, but phrasing it in its true manner the way I might see it. So I will say and start by stating the facts, I have never been married. I have been close a couple of times, flirted with the word to a couple more women or less, and hope to travel down that road one day sooner than later. Being single and never really married, I do not think I can honestly speak from experience or very accurate on the subject. I mean yes, I have my views and theories on the subject like I wrote before, and in many ways, can think that maybe an outside view in looking in on this, may be useful and insightful. So yeah, what the heck, let me put my two cents in the pot, and lets see how much we can take out with interest, when this is over. Is that a deal to you? Cool, but if you do accept that deal, I better back up and tell you a little bit more about me to let you know my path, my experience with the subject and how I have viewed those I have met, married, existed, still are together and or broke up. Now I said that I really have not been married before, scratch that, I said to you that I have never been married before. That is what I wrote so excuse me for lying, but in so many ways I am a bout to explain, that is still and really true. I was married once, when I was young and hungry, and when I did this act, I manipulated the system to fit my own selfish needs. I am not saying I am proud of this act now that I am older, but at the time, it seemed like a good idea at the time when I did it. I guess in starting off this theory in the manner I did, I guess it would only be right for me to briefly explain what happened. When I was young and like one of my favorite groups "Rage Against The Machine" sings in one of their songs, in my youth, I would use the title "Calm Like A Bomb", in some of the choices I made. I have never been a bad kid or got into trouble to where I could wear that jacket many wear everyday as an asshole, in my opinion, but quietly inside of me when I was testing the limits of life, I did some sneaky shit on the down low. Like while in the military and wanting to live off of post, I just had to do it and in my opinion, just needed a way to do it once I found out how. It was kinda of a mini challenge in a way, but mostly, I wanted to live by myself and have a little bit of freedom in the Army. So I married a childhood girlfriend for about, 45 minutes, that is what I did. Yeap, thats right, I had a memorable, passionate long-term relationship that went from pillar to post faster than you just read that last statement. This sacred ceremony lasted from the time the city clerk at City Hall said, "Hey Mister, Do You Take This Woman" on that Friday day in San Francisco, to the time it took for me to leave that room, walk to the elevator and go up two floors to hear the clerk in the annulment section say, "Thank you, here is your receipt and have a nice day". This 5-minute ceremony was a one-stop relationship that was the courtship, sexual escapades, engagement, marriage, honeymoon and divorce all rolled up in one little nice and neat package that I experience about as long as you have been reading thus far. You may think I am crazy, smart, insensitive or whatever, but I did it for many reasons that you may or may not find offensive, funny or smart as hell. Now I know one thing I might wanna know if I was reading this, and I would wanna know, is if money in the formula? The answer, yes, but not the deciding factor is what I would answer to you, whomever and myself. I would then wonder was this a tantalizing thrill ride seeking seeker looking for a superficial rush on a ridiculous self ramifacating ride to be or legitimize his title as a bad boy, naw, not really, thats not me. But I can tell you that what I did then, I would not do now but do not still do not regret it then, and that also has many reasons I can write about now. But the two main reasons were this; the girl I was messing around with could not get by on her half full ride scholarship for being a cheerleader at UC Berkeley, and was having a hard time studying to get good grades while needing to work a part time job to get a little bit further beyond her own expectations. We were already friends with benefits, so by her getting married to me, she got free medical, dental, got to shop at the PX and other little things that added up to a lot. By me getting certain allowances and extra pay to live the married life, I had a few more tools to build this life I was living, and could share it with the one that helped me get it. I was on one end of California and she the other. We were in two hours travel distance of each other, but not too close to just drop by and see each other on a whim because we both had schedules that were demanding. Not a bad deal if you are young, kinda like the person you are hooking up with at the time and smart because you are now making ends meet, on many levels. Reason Two; this is the dominating reason and deciding factor, because I wanted to live off post and have a place to call my own. When I was in the military and you were single, you just could not live off post freely because one, you did not make that much extra money and two, the chances of you getting in trouble were much higher when you add it all up. Thus comes in that I have never been one to get into really big trouble, and I have never really been a big party guy, drinker, drug user or shit starter. So seeing how I thought I was grown when I was just a few years from being able to vote, I tested the system. But I wanted a place of my own. You know what I mean, I mean it was cool when I had a roommate in college and we partied, had fun, people over and shared the microwave and stuff. But there comes a time when and where you just want to have a place you can walk around the house naked and call your own. Yeah I said it and yes, I mean naked, kinda. I do not mean naked all of the time, but whenever you might want to and do not think about it. Think about those times when you can not sleep. Wanna snack, watch some mindless television in the wee hours of the morning on the front room couch or take an ole midnight stroll to take a leak. Its not that you wanna wave your Willie Wonka around to all of the Peeping Toms in your neighborhood or complex. Or flash your headlights to the kinda cute pervert that watches you when you pull up to your home, but the freedom to roam within your own home at will without any thought. Yeah, like that. Anyway, to put it all in a nutshell, that is why I got married and that is my experience on the subject, first hand. Lets move on (smile).
So back to the question on why I think the divorce rate is so high. Well I can start by pointing out the difference to me in many relationships if they happen or not, are in ones perception on fantasy and reality with the person they decide to take this plunge with. Though many times a fantasy can become a reality, to me, it is in the choice you make to select which one you tackle first and how you handle it and the next one, second. To me, when you mentally imagine your partner or mate, you paint this portrait in your mind, even before you meet them. You argue with them when you are with someone else, and love them unconditionally when you are all alone. You create this invisible person, and then calmly start painting the colors of their character to fit what you think your shade of the array of colors is, in your own mind. You play with them seriously, and joking with the fact that they may or may not exist. You then go about your day, mindlessly looking for them in crowds of people that pass you daily. You look for signs, signals and or drift towards areas unconsciencly, in hopes of discovering this person you have created in your mind. You stand firm while sitting through date after date, meal after meal, watching others doing the same thing in different ways and do your best to re-construct one image into another. You become disappointed that where you are not in life, is where you want to be. You think of your opinions, why you have them, where you just left and if it was so bad to not feel so good. You start defining the word good. How you define it, others you know and the world and wonder if you are aiming your sights a bit too high or getting scoped out a bit too low. You are firmly flexible in your willing to bend and not break, and from further involvement, you remove your spirit from the situation you find yourself in, while allowing your body to wilt in the chair, two feet from where you have just left. Now this is in your mind, and you are still searching and settling, and losing yourself in a place you have now found to be your new point of reference. This all goes on when we are young, and what we start discovering through trials and tribulations is that what we thought happiness is, just might be something else. So then you go through life. Filling in empty time slots with things that entertain you. You hang out with people that are like you or see things the same way that you do, and then you discover, we may have the same interest, which is why, we are in the same situation. So now you back track, and start pressing the issue on if this is worth that, or that not worth this. Now remember, this is still in your mind and self-absorbed thought process in dealing with daily life, and you are still looking. This is a trip, and you have not even boarded the plane yet (smile). So now you meet someone. You see them, sum them up faster than my wedding ceremony and with much less meaning, and smile, frown or keep things mutual. You are doing it moving, and if it can somehow catch up to you, you might give it some time to show you what they are or may be, working with. You see things in them that meet certain things you think you are looking for, and they see the same in you, so now the game is on. Not game you play, but one that is playing through you. You talk, not converse, but talk in a manner that is universal and throw out hints, trigger words and more, to gain a reaction you can further this recycling of emotions you have not yet displayed on. If things go well, you move closer and open up a bit more. You test the waters, push the boundary walls you think you can see and touch and do it slowly to see how far they will move. You then back up off of them because at this time, you do not know who built the walls and how much of your weight, they can stand. Also at this time, you think you know what and where those invisible walls are, so if need be, you can find them later on if you feel you might need them adjusted to the building you are now starting to construct. You see potential to improve certain things, and see how you could improve also if you make something that is not there yet, something that could be there later. You sum the person up again, and then you step a few more steps closer to where it seems to be a bit better than where you are at. But where are you right now, you do not know. All you know is that it is starting to look better than where you were at, so you keep doing it moving. Then you reflect for what seems like the gazillionth time for the first time within this moment, step back and move forward in how much you trust that your choice was better than your last one. Then you reflect on yourself, beat yourself up while loving everything everyone else says is your best quality, and then you sum all of that up. Now along the way, you have gathered a little bit of baggage, but its okay because in some of those situations, it was not your fault and you got distracted. Some good, some bad, but you then think and understand that someones garbage can be someone elses gold, and then you try an figure out, is the person you are not concentrating on in the jewelry or waste disposal business. You reflect again and sum that up, and now you are formulating another image, but this time, it is a blend of the fantasy you already had and the reality that is facing you. So which one should you satisfy now is the question, and that is why I said in defining the two and the results of your actions, is vital. I mean vital in every way imaginable, because that choice is based many things, and it all starts with and on you and your situation and how you see things. So before going to where you want to be, the one you select first and second, can and will determine the one that ends up being your last. But back to the theory, I think I am on a roll. But do not tell any body.
Now one other reason I think the divorce rate is so high, is because there are now, more people, more options, more avenues to search and travel to find what we think is lost and most importantly, less reasons to stay together, once you reach a certain level. Our society, the human race, has been so accelerated, that we are spending more time on trying to make more time, that we forget about the time we do not have when we get it, once we give it away to the very reasons we are doing it in the first place. Its amazing on how we forget that the reason we are more than likely in the position we are currently at or in, is because we did not remember why we did not want to be where we were at when we left there. It is a reckless abandonment we often do to ourselves, and maybe it is a motivational tool we all have inside of us that triggers this, or maybe it is just we are all stubborn in many areas. It might be because we often forget or do not fully acknowledge in an honest way that we never took out the time to keep looking for what we had imagined before the situation faced us, and settled some where along the way in trying to get there. That is just life, and part of the whole in trying to answer a question that has many parts. Now take me for example, I am literally drawn to a certain type of woman. I am one of the most strongest man I know, and can back that up by telling you that I have seen, been through, created and dished out some shit. Some of it warranted, some not, I am no angel by any means, but also not, a devil. But based on my experience, the shit I have faced, did not see coming, dealt with and still struggle to free from my mind, good and bad, was heaven and hell all rolled up into one. I am not praising it or planted it in the ground, but I am just putting that out there. But as strong as I am and as strong as I think I am, I am helpless to a certain look, demeanor, thought process and history of a specific type of woman. When I have came across this type of woman in the past, all logic goes out of the fuckin window, seriously. Its not personal on how I will act, it is not planned, staged or anything manufactured by a preconceived notion I have trained my mind and body to do once stumbled upon. I simply, lose my fuckin mind. Now in saying that, also understand that to or for me to see this type of woman, I must be in a certain mind frame, time in my life and conducive situation for me to even see and view her for what she truly is or want me to see. If I am not in balance at that time, or if two of the three is working and the one not, I can not see her because I myself do not have my full sight. I can see part of her, or sections of the whole. But until I can see that what I am seeing is whole from my own personal perspective and perception, I will always see those parts of a female, not the whole woman. That might seem fair, unfair or whatever, but I am just saying that the person I just wrote about, is me. So in knowing that, once I can find my sight to see the whole, anything before or after that, will always be parts to fill a void, and the whole still waiting for me to see it for what it is. That is another difference in a fantasy and reality to me, and like I said before, the one you select first and second, is vital on who you end up selecting last. So now when two people come together in my opinion, there must be a combination of things to keep this one thing going. There must be stability in important, but not all areas, and I will explain what I mean later if you hold on. But there must be the ability to generate, maintain, store, invest and imagine yourself in every situation good or bad, with this person, forever. There must be a hidden mystery that is always answered in pieces that make up the whole, and confident trust factors that range from being reliable in many important levels, and supported in others. Now once again, that is my opinion, once again, so hold your dam horses, I will explain what I mean later on once you calm the hell down (smile). I know I can string things along sometimes, but have you ever thought that the other people that read my stuff might not be as quick as you? Sorry I had to go there, but some people are really impatient and I can respect that. But have you ever talked to a person that you could see asking God to grant them patience, and they want it right now!?!? Thats who I was talking about, not you. But back to the theory. Now attraction can come in many forms, and what maybe important to another, may not be high on the list for the other one, but there needs to be a stimulating balance to keep things equal. I have always said now, that one of the most important things in a relationship, are the things you deem important to you and the other person. Even though one person may not have this, if it is not important to the other that does or knows how to get it, it does not really matter unless it is an issue by the person that has it. You have to be with the person according to the moral God you unconditional praise, and live your commandments according to the laws you lay down before even thinking about taking things this far. You have to share this person as the most suited person for you to the world, when you are talked about quietly and seen by those that are still blind. This is the person that annoys the hell out of you, calms you, loves you, puts up with you and have selected to share or leave your name and what you represent to this world when you are gone. This person is it for you, and even though many other things are pulling at you to do this or that, you are pushing them away and saying, "I am cool. I am just fine where I am at and good luck to ya". This person you are now with, in your eyes, is not a person, but the fantasy you never forgot, before it became your reality. Now if you were wondering how I was going to break it down, there it is. See. I told you I was going to explain it. Hope you got it. If not, read it again. Next page.
So in closing this out, I do not know if I am qualified to answer the question giving to me by you my loyal viewers, and ask your opinion on what you might think. You do not have to write to me, you can if you want, but maybe to someone else, yourself or mentally think about it and do it when you have time. Because this question is kinda cool, and I could go all day on this topic. Marriage is a big thing to me. Its the cornerstone to stability. It is the ultimate thing two people can do as individuals to make up a complete unit. It is special, sacred and far from what I did when I was young, stupid and greedy. Marriage to me, says to the world, "fuck you or fuck with what I am all about in what ever way you do it! My world is over here!" It is cool, fun, a job, career, excitement and more all rolled up in one". But like I said, I do not know that for sure, because what I remembered at my ceremony was, "cha ching" and freedom. But maybe that was it and what it was, not what I made it out to be to fit me. Maybe I had it for a few minutes and let it go. Maybe that ceremony that brought to me freedom, helping out somebody else and money, was it? Wait a minute, I am trippin just like you because while writing this, I am finding out something I maybe, purposely lost for date after date, night after night in the single life. What the fuck!?! Okay, I am back, sorry about that, I kinda went to that place I just left. But maybe marriage is a combination of many things not yet defined by us I think. Maybe our world has become so polluted, that we are cleaning it up to only make the same mess our ancestors created for them for us to see. Maybe this is a cycle, and even if it is a good or bad re-run of your life, you are living it. Maybe the fantasy can never become reality, but then again, maybe it can. Maybe right now, you are reading the same thing you read a while back, but now only understand that what you are reading, you wrote and never put it down on paper. Maybe you are laughing, nodding your head, smiling and tripping off of the fact that I am actually writing down some shit that has you keep reading the words, theories and thoughts I sometime call, diarrhea, because it is smooth (smile). Maybe the divorce rate is high, and the ones getting divorced, are looking at those that are not and saying to their mate, "we do not have that, and I love you enough for both of us to be happy and at least, seek that kind of love out elsewhere" Maybe if we really get enough time to find out what the divorce rate of animals were, that could help in our research like many schools and institutions do. What about researching birds, fish, animals and insects. Yeah, that would be cool, lets create a device that translates Ant language. Yeah, there are billions upon billions of them, and they come and go like the many moments in life. So thats where I am going with this. I had finished another writing / theory, and after doing so, went outside and sat in the lawn chair to recovered from putting my all into my thoughts on paper before this one. I was sitting back, coffee in one hand, cigar in another, inhaling and exhaling to try and find the balance I call, my balance. I had just left my reality, and now going to my fantasy. A place where I could find peace and stop the civil wars I sometime fight with within myself. A place that I know will stimulate me when I get lazy. My place, my reference points on where I am, where I was and where I am going. But there I was, looking at the trees, the flowers and then, some insects. They were interacting from a distance, being aware each other was there silently, while doing what they feel and think, they are supposed to do at that time loudly. Then comes a butterfly, floating with its beautiful color and grace. Minding its own business, and just going through the air I had just in or exhaled. In a strange way, it moved and floated in a way that hypnotized me for a few seconds, while awkwardly dancing to perfection, as I admired this moment. Then came out a bee. Doing the same thing as the butterfly, but in a different way. Flying, bumping off of more shit than the flies I see in the corner of my eye on my dogs shit I forgot to clean up yesterday. I made a different noise, but spoke the same language, more or less. And at that time like never before, I started to think about life, the question, my place in it and how absent I have been in savoring it. The good times and the bad. The things I have done and the things I want to do. The things I did then and how, and the things I do now and why. My path, my trail, my footprints and more, all come to the forefront when I first started this theory. The image of life, the dreams, nightmares, and reality. The different things that are really the same like the two flying things that inspired this theory. How the butterfly was once a cocoon, and went through this process to become something was all view as beautiful. Then the bee, born into this life and will sacrifice its own life to protect what it believes in more than anything, its life. The Butterflies and Bee Strings, sometimes, joy, sometimes pain. But still, its something that makes everything, what it is. Thats my comment and theory on the subject, and take it for what it is worth, a fantasy or reality. And please don't forget another aspect to all of this, I havent even touched on the fact on how the other person besides you or me is looking at us, this, where they are at, what they see, the situation and more. That's a whole other animal, question, theory and more on the same topic, and a even more indepth question we can not answer because we can not honestly speak on how someone else deeply feels or really thinks. Think about it. Thanks for joining me and do not forget to remember, the choice is yours. Make it or it will make you. Enjoy The Moment.
