Butter Them Up
June 21st 2007 01:20
Quirk Berserk is a weekly article that rips into the ‘strange but true’ stories and celebrates the people involved in these unbelievable events. All commentary relates to 100% bona fide stories as reported by reputable (and sometimes frighteningly inaccurate) news agencies.
So ‘click clack, front and back’ and get ready to get behind the ‘odd’ and cheer them on.
Your Quirk Berserk Author - Liz Cooper Smith liz@theonioncupboard.com
THIS WEEKS EDITION - BUTTER THEM UP
It was inevitable. Episode after episode of Antiques Roadshow showcasing extreme valuables and wares, you knew something would happen one day.
Every time you saw it, your brain always asked that little question, ‘What if the Valuer breaks that $100,000 tea cup?’ You felt it in your bones. A little part of you just wanted to see it. Well today’s the day [well, not today, but the other day…].
Here’s the information for the incident report:
Location: China.
TV Program: Chinese Central Television’s ’10 most valuable treasures episode’
Item: A million dollar, 2500 year old mirror.
Perpetrator: Wang*; Crew member on the set of filming
Incident: Said mirror falls from said perpetrators hands and meets the ground at a tremendous speed
There’s no telling to what was going through poor ol’ Wang’s mind at that exact moment when he realized this wasn’t going to end well. There’s no telling what was going through his mind the seconds after the mirror slipped from his delicate hands to the time he lifted his head up to stare at the audience. There’s no telling; but it’s fun to think about.
The obvious comes to mind. A profanity. Maybe two, three or four. But a profanity in Chinese of course.
Maybe he went through something similar to a near death experience [NDE]. His whole world flashing before him. His family, his partner, his first grade teacher, the stir fry he was looking forward to that night… But regardless of his life slideshow, all of those thoughts would then crescendo into Wang being escorted out of the studio and expressed straight to a GE Finance Payment Plan Hell.
But maybe it was less of a NDE and more of an armed robbery? Two words. Escape Plan. Would Wang be racking his brains to remember what the fire warden told him in case of emergency? Would he run through Studio Four, down the stairs, around the corner, straight past the assembly area and on the next slow boat to Japan? Maybe.
But there’s one thing you can be sure of. There’s only one thing worse than paying the million dollars in forty dollar installments and/or sailing on a rickety boat to Tokyo. It’s something that’s been scaring the be-jeebus out of most of us our entire lives. Superstition. Yeah, better believe it.
Poor Wang. He’s now got 17,500 years back luck crossed against his name. 17,500 years of bad hair cuts. 17,500 years of ugly women. 17,500 years of getting gluggy rice.
So what does poor Wang do now? Does he try and jump off the Sky Central Plaza Building and end it all? Would his luck be so bad that even if he did that, he’d land in an open truck full of pillows and just end up severely maiming himself?
Don’t worry, there’s hope for our friend Wang. Rather than focus on what he’s lost, let’s band together and cheer for he’s got. He’s can now walk under ladders, step on cracks, open an umbrella inside his house, throw salt and pepper willy-nilly, put his new shoes on the table and square-dance on Black Friday.
So if you think you’re having a bad day, think of our poor butterfingers, Wang. Think of him and that exact moment where it all went wrong...
END
So ‘click clack, front and back’ and get ready to get behind the ‘odd’ and cheer them on.
Your Quirk Berserk Author - Liz Cooper Smith liz@theonioncupboard.com
THIS WEEKS EDITION - BUTTER THEM UP
It was inevitable. Episode after episode of Antiques Roadshow showcasing extreme valuables and wares, you knew something would happen one day.
Every time you saw it, your brain always asked that little question, ‘What if the Valuer breaks that $100,000 tea cup?’ You felt it in your bones. A little part of you just wanted to see it. Well today’s the day [well, not today, but the other day…].
Here’s the information for the incident report:
Location: China.
TV Program: Chinese Central Television’s ’10 most valuable treasures episode’
Item: A million dollar, 2500 year old mirror.
Perpetrator: Wang*; Crew member on the set of filming
Incident: Said mirror falls from said perpetrators hands and meets the ground at a tremendous speed
There’s no telling to what was going through poor ol’ Wang’s mind at that exact moment when he realized this wasn’t going to end well. There’s no telling what was going through his mind the seconds after the mirror slipped from his delicate hands to the time he lifted his head up to stare at the audience. There’s no telling; but it’s fun to think about.
The obvious comes to mind. A profanity. Maybe two, three or four. But a profanity in Chinese of course.
Maybe he went through something similar to a near death experience [NDE]. His whole world flashing before him. His family, his partner, his first grade teacher, the stir fry he was looking forward to that night… But regardless of his life slideshow, all of those thoughts would then crescendo into Wang being escorted out of the studio and expressed straight to a GE Finance Payment Plan Hell.
But maybe it was less of a NDE and more of an armed robbery? Two words. Escape Plan. Would Wang be racking his brains to remember what the fire warden told him in case of emergency? Would he run through Studio Four, down the stairs, around the corner, straight past the assembly area and on the next slow boat to Japan? Maybe.
But there’s one thing you can be sure of. There’s only one thing worse than paying the million dollars in forty dollar installments and/or sailing on a rickety boat to Tokyo. It’s something that’s been scaring the be-jeebus out of most of us our entire lives. Superstition. Yeah, better believe it.
Poor Wang. He’s now got 17,500 years back luck crossed against his name. 17,500 years of bad hair cuts. 17,500 years of ugly women. 17,500 years of getting gluggy rice.
So what does poor Wang do now? Does he try and jump off the Sky Central Plaza Building and end it all? Would his luck be so bad that even if he did that, he’d land in an open truck full of pillows and just end up severely maiming himself?
Don’t worry, there’s hope for our friend Wang. Rather than focus on what he’s lost, let’s band together and cheer for he’s got. He’s can now walk under ladders, step on cracks, open an umbrella inside his house, throw salt and pepper willy-nilly, put his new shoes on the table and square-dance on Black Friday.
So if you think you’re having a bad day, think of our poor butterfingers, Wang. Think of him and that exact moment where it all went wrong...
END
| 31 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
