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I don't like things in my bum and neither does my boyfriend. We confirmed that on the weekend when we both went to get colonic hydrotherapy. You're curious aren't you? So was I. As they say curiosity killed the cat, a very apt saying for what we went through. They say you feel 'light' afterwards, you have a sense of wellbeing and feel fresh and clean inside. Apparently you lose weight and it cleans out nasty stuff that has been sitting inside you for a while, it can even prevent cancer! Wanting to detox after holidays abroad I thought it would be great.
"How do you feel?"said the lady as she led me into a room with a bath-like contraption at the side. HOW DO YOU FEEL... how do you think I feel? I'm about to get a hose up the bum how would you feel?!
I actually didn't know how I felt at the time, I hadn't really thought through what was about to happen....after a lengthy pause I said "scared" while she tried answering the question for me by saying 'nervous' ... it was definitely a lot words like that rolled into one as I started asking myself why I was doing this. Health benefits... health benefits.. health benefits... I guess I thought I had a marble up there from when I was a kid and would be glad to get rid of it.
She pointed to a small cup of lube sitting on a towel on top of the bathy/toilety thing and showed me a spout that i apparently had to insert into my rectum MYSELF! I was actually hoping someone else could do it for me so I didn't have to think about it so much - imagine giving yourself the flu injection! There's a reason why you don't.
She left the room and told me to ring the bell when i was ready. Squeezing and squrming and trying to relax I finally got this thing in. And I felt violated... by myself? This was my choice. I had bought it for myself and my boyfriend but I was feeling asthough I had digitally raped myself in some way (for no sick pleasurable gain!).
I was getting ready for the worst experience of my life! She turned the taps on and I felt a warm sensation behind me. She left the room and my colon started filling up with water. Basically your stomach aches like you've eaten bad seafood until you can't stand the pain anymore so you push out - like diorrhea. The squeezing (so the water wouldn't come out) and the pushing went on for about half an hour. I did it I'm guessing around 30 times. I was sweating, I wanted it to end but I curiously couldn't stop looking at what was coming out, where is that marble? I thought I was going to get a hernia with all the pushing I had to do. There were magazines beside me and I had a heat pack on my stomach but I couldn't read anything, couldn't turn a page, I was fixated on the task at hand.
The woman kept coming in and asking me if I was okay. Do you know how hard it is to go to the toilet in front of a stranger? not just to go to the toilet but to have violent diorrhea in front of a stranger? I felt like screaming 'get out get out get out!!' as my stomach started hurting more and more until I could last no longer. I wondered if she enjoyed her job.
After I had completed the marathon and the water tank was down to its last drop I was happy it was over. So happy in fact that I rang the bell 3 times - get me outta here! The woman came shuffling in and I was given further instructions on how to leave the room. I had a cup of probiotics waiting for me outside and a glass of water, a nice gesture after you've had water pumped into your bottom for half an hour.
My boyfriend surfaced from the room next, pale faced and his grey t-shirt had turned black with sweat, shuffling his feet along the floor. He couldn't look me in the eye. He managed to sit down and told me in a kids voice that it the worst day of his life. He didn't talk much for the rest of the day. It was a great Valentines Day surprise.
You've heard about her incredible talent, here's a closer look at what she's achieved - but it's not the Australiasian record yet for the most wins in a row, she needs ONE more to do that and it could happen this weekend at Caulfield! Then we'll wave her goodbye as she heads overseas and cheers will be heard from the jockey and trainers rooms as they say Bon Voyage to the toughest competitor in Australian racing.
It was a great race on Saturday as Black Caviar went up against her old 'rival' Hay List. The poor bugger, if Black Caviar wasn't around people may be wearing red, green and white instead of the salmon and black polka dot atire. Are you bored with her yet?
19 from 19
February 18 - Coolmore Lighning Stakes, Flemington 1000m
February 11 - C.F. Orr Stakes, Caulfield 1400m
January 27 - Australia Stakes, Moonee Valley 1200m
November 5 - Patinack Farm Classic, Flemington, 1200m
October 22 - Schweppes Stakes, Moonee Valley, 1200m
October 8 - Schillaci Stakes, Caulfield, 1000m
May 14 - BTC Cup, Doomben, 1200m
9 April - TJ Smith Stakes, Randwick, 1200m
25 March - William Reid Stakes, Moonee Valley, 1200m
12 March - Newmarket Handicap, Flemington, 1200m
19 February - Coolmore Lightning Stakes, Flemington 1000m
6 November 2010 - Patinack Farm Classic, Flemington, 1200m
23 October 2010 Scweppes Stakes, Moonee Valley, 1200m
09 October 2010 Schillaci Stakes, Caulfield, 1000m
13 February 2010, William Reid, Moonee Vallet 1200m
22 January 2010, Aust Stks, Moonee Valley, 1200m
5 September 2009 Danehill 3YO Stakes, Flemington, 1200m
22 August 2009 Arrow Training Services 3YO Plate, Moonee Valley 1200m
2 May 2009 Blue Sapphire 2YO Stks, Caulfield, 1200m
18 April 2009 Cromwell 2YO Hcp, Flemington, 1000m
Some call it the greatest robbery on Australian turf, others are stunned
and many knew it was too good to last. An outstanding racehorse tipped to be one of Australias greatest champions sold to Coolmore in Europe for a rumoured 30 million dollars
and like a rugby player with a better offer, he's left a gaping hole in the sport in Australia.
So You Think captured the imagination of the Australian people and was visually outstanding. You just have to look at the odds on Melbourne Cup day (one of the shortest on record) to see how loved So You Think was, a horse we could all get excited about and feel the buzz when he took to the track. Even as he ran third in the Melborne Cup it wasn't bad for a horse who hadnt run the 3200 before!
The bay stallion will be transferred to Irish trainer Aidan OBrien after owner Malaysian billionaire Dato Tan Chin Nam decided to send So You Think on a quest to conquer the world. Bart Cummings isnt happy
hes now lost potentially one of the greatest race horses hes ever trained. It is surely a loss to Australian Racing, an industry that struggles to get interest outside of feature race meetings and this horse had much more to show us on Australian Turf. Bart is heartbroken. What does Dato Tan have to say about leaving Bart in the dark about the secret sale? His bloodstock manager Duncan Ramage says there has to be a bit of give and take, a bit of yin and yang in the relationship.
Im going to miss this superstar 4-year-old. Lets hope he makes the trip back to Australia next spring to show us what hes got. I guess I am slightly elated by the news that he is continuing to race instead of being retired to the rockstar life in stud but this is surely a huge loss.
Whatever accent Russell Crowe is putting on in Ridley Scotts version of Robin Hood
. We still love him. Well I do.. And once again Cate Blachett captivates us with her intense charisma when she plays Marion this film would be lost without her strong presence. In saying that lets not forget Mark Strong.. always a pleasure to watch in whatever he does, and a great villan
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Its a good question and according to former Storm CEO Brian Waldron they are. He says every team is rorting the cap except for Canberra who cant afford to. He claims he told NRL boss David Gallop that the system needed an overhaul years ago, a request which was allegedly ignored but Gallop says he cant recall the conversation
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This movie is kick ass. It may seem like a light hearted comedy but dont be fooled its actually filled with blood and guts as well. Im usually a gore lover but I felt myself squirming and looking away, not wanting to see the violent results such as a guy being put in a human microwave, or another being crushed by a car compactor, their insides spraying onto glass. Some things you just dont see coming but I loved it all! (I'm sick, I know). Its cited criticism that it attracts kids, but is too violent for them to watch leading to presumptions that it promotes violence to teenagers... pfft (doesn't everything?! Chill out
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I'm kind of embarrassed I watched this film (I blame my high voiced housemate!).. haha anyway... If youre looking for something light where you dont have to move a brain muscle The Last Song is the movie for you. The acting is pretty bad in some places (except for Greg Kinnear, love him!), and I couldnt help but stare at Miley Cyrus strange mouth positions and weird stance but the script is very moving. Its based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks (A Walk to Remember, The Notebook) and youre sure to hear a few sniffles towards the end of the film when the heart strings are pulled
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Cate Blanchett steals the show in this haunting thriller about Anne Wilson, a compassionate intriguing woman with extra sensory perception. She sees the future, yes and dead people.
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1 For The Road
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