As it is well known, winter is a time for hibernation for many animals. For example, most bears use this time to catch up on some much needed sleep, and pretty much sleep the coldest months away. The Black Squirrels do not hibernate in the same way as bears do, but they do take on a life-style that requires much less action. They choose to remain close to the stores of food they have collected throughout the warmer months. This is good news for us, as this means the Black Squirrels will not be continuing their world domination campaign during the winter months. This allows us much more time to prepare for attacks that will be inevitable once the snow clears.
Lately there has been some debate about whether nuclear measures should be taken against the Black Squirrel Body Building Cult. Most would think that a nuclear strike to the heart of the BSBBC would pretty much wipe out all resistance. This may very well be a likely outcome of such a scenario. However, one Erwin Schrödinger had speculated about the life and death of a cat in relation to certain radioactive substances. In light of his generally accepted speculations, and the fact that the Black Squirrels may be closely related to felines, some believe a nuclear strike at the Black Squirrels would be a devastating blow for humanity. The Black Squirrels are already a terrible force to contend with, and if the speculations are correct and a nuclear strike is made against the BSBBC, then an army of both alive and dead Black Squirrels would be many times worse. To put it simply, an army of zombie Black Squirrels would be all but assured total domination of this world.
It has been confirmed that men's spray deodorant acts as a form of face when sprayed into the faces of the Black Squirrels. The deodorant temporarily incapacitates the Black Squirrels, causing them momentary lapse of vision and respiration. Female's spray deodorant will work as well, but it is less acidic and may not have the desired effect or duration. These deodorants can be purchased from your friendly neighborhood general store, if the Black Squirrels have not yet become a nuisance in your area.
It has also been found that the Black Squirrels of the Black Squirrel Body Building Cult do not like mailboxes for some reason. It could be that the Black Squirrels have a fear of being imprisoned, and mailboxes are just about the right size to securely hold a Black Squirrel, even one of the enlarged stature common among those of the BSBBC. So as an extra precaution, you might want to stock up on all the mailboxes you can get your hands on, and even try to devise traps with these mailboxes for the Black Squirrels to unwittingly fall into. The mailboxes will not however, work on Big Foot. At most it will likely make him mad.
The Black Squirrel Body Building Cult has been oddly quiet the past week and a half or so. Either they have halted their troop movements for the time being or have discovered a very secretive way to deploy their remaining troops. As it sits, the Black Squirrels are set to engage small farm-houses and very small communities in combat. The Big Foot are employing a massive scare-tactics campaign among the tabloids and various online posts. The Leprechauns are set to defend the small villages and homes potentially endangered by the Black Squirrels.
A leading theory to the lull of BSBBC activity is that they are gathering in and around Peaceful Valley, trying to coordinate the various Black Squirrel populations across the globe. It is believed they are working out a way for tree-whisperers to send messages through trees and other vegetation across continents; we believe it is still very hard for them to get messages across large bodies of water, as they do not enjoy swimming very much. Perhaps that is where Randee the Lake Monster comes in; maybe he has friends in other lakes.
Well, the Bigfoot tribes have agreed to help the Black Squirrel Body Building Cult in the coming battles for complete planetary domination. In return for Bigfoot's help, the Black Squirrels have agreed to let the tribes have all of what is currently Canada, and most of the northern parts of the United States, pretty much to themselves. The Black Squirrels have agreed to live in peace with the Bigfoot tribes after all humans have either been enslaved by the Black Squirrel population or eliminated. Naturally, the Bigfoot tribes are cautious about the Black Squirrels' promises, and a few rogue elements of the Bigfoot tribes may even join the humans in the upcoming war. The Leprechauns are continuing to arm-up and mobilize all their troops around the globe, preparing for the war. Sadly, most of the humans still do not realize what is to come. They will surely get a rude awakening from their ignorance induced peace when a troupe of Black Squirrels break into their home, steal all the nuts and berries they can find, and haul the residents back to Peaceful Valley, where they will be subjected to the horrors that Randee the Lake Monster has in store for them.
September 24th 2009 01:08
Fantastic news today! The Leprechauns have decided to join the humans in the upcoming war against the Black Squirrels. The Leprechauns have held a grudge against the Black Squirrels, particularly those belonging to the Black Squirrel Body Building Cult, for many years, ever since the BSBBC started stealing and hiding the Leprechauns' pots of gold. Leprechauns are notorious for avoiding humans, and this still held true during the peace summits called over the past few weeks. The Leprechauns only conversed through a teleconference-type setting. They even arranged to have the official alliance documents between the humans and the Leprechauns sent via certified first-class mail to a clandestine mailbox somewhere in Southern Ireland. The Black Squirrels have not been sitting idly by during all this time. We have received unverified reports of pack of Black Squirrels heading towards Montana and parts of Canada. The Black Squirrels may be entering negotiations with the Sasquatch peoples, who are believed to be distant cousins of the Black Squirrels.
September 21st 2009 00:41
During recent years there have been a number unexplained missing persons reports emanating from the Peaceful Valley region. All of the missing persons in such reports were always babies or small children. It is now known that the Black Squirrels of the area have been abducting these children. The Black Squirrel Body Building Cult have been sacrificing these children for the appeasement of the local Lake Monster, whose name happens to be Randee. The Black Squirrels are hoping to gain the support of the Lake Monster in their campaign for global domination. Nobody really knows what good a Lake Monster will be in any kind of battle that is likely to take place during the Black Squirrels' campaign. But then again, most do not perceive the Black Squirrel Body Building Cult as a threat.
September 18th 2009 01:41
The story of the Black Squirrels starts in a place called Peaceful Valley, in Colorado. Here Black Squirrels have been known to carry off unattended packs, mostly consisting of food. Due to painstaking research, we now know that these Black Squirrels actually belong to an international coalition of Black Squirrels, simply known as the Black Squirrel Body Building Cult, or the BSBBC for short. The squirrels are patiently waiting for the proper time to enact their plan of global domination. Stealing day-packs from unknowing hikers and campers may not seem like a very sinister act; not something that a band of ruffians plotting global domination would involve themselves in. This is merely a means to gain vittles. The Black Squirrels of the Body Building Cult burn through a lot of calories in a day and need large quantities of food to sustain themselves. They also engage in more criminal acts as well . . .
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