Big 12 Theatre: The Big Non-Move
July 3rd 2010 10:56
I credit the inspiration behind this idea to BringontheCats.com.
(All the Big 12 South Schools, Texas, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas A&M, and Texas Tech, are packing a large van with all of their luggage to prepare to move to the West Coast and the Pac-10 Conference. Everyone except Baylor. Nobody told Baylor where they were going. The scene begins with all schools except for A&M sitting in the van. Texas is driving, Oklahoma is in the passenger seat, Okie State is in the middle seat currently consuming a pot of glue, and Texas Tech is passed out for some unknown reason in the back. Texas A&M has yet to board.)
Texas: Alright, everybody got your sh**?
OU: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we went through the list. Wake me when we hit San Fransisco. (Leans head back and closes eyes.)
Texas: Like hell, dill-hole. You’re navigating. (Throws map at OU) Should be easy enough for you. You’re used to losing in Glendale.
OU: Hey, how’d that trip to Pasadena go by the way? I hear Mark Ingram is still running.
Texas: Up yours.
OU: Bite me.
(OU looks behind his seat to check if everyone else is there. He is horrified upon seeing Okie State eating the adhesive. He snatches it away.)
OU: What the hell are you doing? THIS. IS. NOT. FOOD. Gawh, did Ole Miss slap you upside the head that hard?
(Okie State gives OU the raspberry. OU rolls his eyes and turns back.)
Texas: That was pretty harsh. Aren’t you supposed to, like, set an example for him or something?
OU: If it wasn’t for him, I’d be on a one-way ticket to the SEC West. But I guess that wouldn’t sit too well with you. You’d actually have to schedule me as a non-conference opponent, and we all know how much you love your Florida Atlantic.
Texas: *** you.
OU: Tech isn’t looking too good either, by the way. He hasn’t moved since he got in.
Texas: I don’t know what that hippie is on.
OU: Leach withdrawals.
Texas: Either that or Tuberville conniptions.
(Texas’ cell phone starts vibrating. He pulls it out.)
Texas: Crap. Baylor’s calling again.
OU: We’re not here.
Texas: Darn tootin’.
(Texas leans his head out the window, seeing Texas A&M just standing there. Texas honks the horn a few times.)
Texas: Hey farmer! Get the hell in the van! We’re burning practice time!
A&M; Ahhmmmm, actually, there’s a guy here from the SEC who wants to talk to me. I think I’ll stay here, guys.
Texas: WHAT?!
(Texas jumps out of the van and starts walking toward A&M)
Texas: What the hell are you talking about? You’re coming with us. I can’t go anywhere without you. Rick Perry says so.
A&M: Well then…..**gulp** Tough cookies.
Texas: Excuse me?!
A&M: This is my one chance!!! Don’t you get it?! I wanna be my own man!! MINE!!!
Texas: Get a hold of yourself.
(Texas calls back to the van.)
Texas: Sorry guys, gotta talk things out with A&M here. We’re gonna have to stay ‘till I sort this out.
OU: (Bangs head on headrest) Son of a…..I just bought new swim trunks!
(Mumbling something about a stupid century-old rivalry, OU jumps out of the van and drags Okie State along with him. Tech still doesn’t move. It’s in this moment that Dan Beebe runs out and screams in true Oprah Winfrey style on her Christmas giveaway show.)
Beebe: EVERYBODY GETS MORE MONEY!!!!!
(Beebe then points at the schools.)
Beebe: You get more money!!! You get more money!!! You get more money!!! You get your own T.V. Network!!! Now you all have to stay!!!
(In such a fit of jubilation, Beebe collapses on the ground with one gigantic sigh of relief. Texas considers for a moment, then smiles.)
Texas: This pleases me. Alright, Beebe, ya bought me back. Attention everyone! I will now be staying! And since I’m the only one here who knows how to drive a stick, all of you are too!
OU: **sigh** Welp, I guess I’m pretty comfy here. I’ve got more championships than any of you, and I get a nice automatic BCS bid every time I beat up on y’all.
Texas: You have to beat me first.
OU: Before or after Jeremy Beal hits Garrett Gilbert’s arm?
A&M: Hello? I want out!! Why do I have to stay?
Texas: Because I said so. Now make me a sandwich, beeotch. And will someone PLEASE wake up Tech? I’m getting a little concerned here.
(Tech groggily pokes his head out the side of the van.)
Tech: CALI OR BUST!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!!
(Then promptly passes back out.)
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