Beat This!
September 2nd 2006 02:34
A few days ago, I read a news article about the sexual habits of men from all over the world (mX, 08 August 2006). An international survey of 40,000 men was conducted by Men’s Health magazine. You know the kind of survey I’m talking about – the non-scientific, non-peer reviewed, non-journal accredited kind usually done by rags like FHM. So, yeah, the results are pretty reliable and statistically accurate. Anyway, it mentioned there that “Filipinos were world-beaters at masturbation, doing it almost six times a week.” At that point, I just had to stop reading and laugh my ass off. World-beaters at masturbation? That was either some clever wordplay or was written unwittingly by a hassled junior newspaper intern hurrying to meet an editor’s deadline.
As a Filipino, I'm particularly proud of this achievement. Hmmm, so we’re “world-beaters”, are we? *snicker snicker* I have some interesting insights regarding this particular fact. First, it shows that we would do anything to get on the record books. We Filipinos are so hungry to get our country on the map, we would attempt anything that includes a superlative adjective. Heck, we already have the smallest fish, largest crocodile, and tiniest president. Why not throw in the strongest right hand wrists for good measure?
Being world-beaters (gawd, I never get tired of that) also shows that we are the masters of time management. Never mind that we spend most of our time working from sunup to sundown just to put a roof over our heads, pay the electric bill, pay the water bill, pay for gas, pay for a lotto ticket, feed our children, feed our wives, feed our mistresses. No, we still have enough time on our hands *snicker snicker* to spank the monkey six freakin’ times a week! To those who feel that they are always too busy to do anything, keep this world-beating record in mind and keep repeating the mantra “There’s always time for wanking, there’s always time for wanking…”
In connection with this, it also shows that Filipinos are still religious. While it may be weird, even blasphemous, to link self-pleasure with spirituality, keep in mind that we only do it six times a week. This shows that we still honor the Sabbath day.
The results of this survey also showed other world records, and it is here that I will engage in making fun of stereotypes. It mentioned that “South Koreans were having sex more times [four times] a week than anyone else in the world”. If I were in South Korea, I guess I would probably be having sex too, knowing that any day could be my last with crazy Kim’s nukes pointed in my direction. This aside from the fact that it is probably the only form of recreation in the whole country besides taekwondo and Korea-novelas or whatever the hell it is they call those shows. Personally, I would prefer sex. I wouldn’t want to get my ass kicked by a nation of blackbelters. As for the TV shows, they just don’t do it for me, with their pretty leading ladies and prettier leading men. Running buck naked through the DMZ minefield holds more appeal for me.
The survey said that Brazilians had the most lovers, with 19 percent saying they’ve had a threesome. These Brazilians, they’re something else. What, do they shake hands with their penises? “Hi, my name is Ronaldinho, nice to meet you. Oops. Was that good for you too? And who’s your friend here? Hi, my name… Oops. Maybe they should rename this place Trio de Janeiro.” It makes sense considering they excel in a sport that involves all body parts except the hands. Being Brazilian probably also helps them avoid those pesky commitment issues and just keep sleeping around. “You want to get married? But I don’t have a last name.”
It was also mentioned that the Italians were the best at pleasuring their lovers. The wording was actually “60 percent of Italian men said that they made their partner climax every time”, the operative word being “said”. What, are we supposed to take their word for it? I’m betting they’re just being duped. After all, this is the country that produced great actresses like Sophia Loren and Isabella Rossellini, not to mention the home of great opera. Y’know, where the fat lady screams for all it’s worth. Sounds familiar, paisan?
The record I found most amusing was about the British. Now, when I think about British men (not that I do), “studmuffin” never comes to mind. Instead, the image I have is Prince Charles, Mr. Bean, or that weird guy from “The Office”. So it really cracked me up when the survey showed that Brits spend the longest time on foreplay (17.44 minutes), but are the, um, quickest shooters. Do the 17 minutes of foreplay include struggling with opening their fly and accidentally pleasuring themselves? It’s like going to a five-star restaurant and filling yourself up with bread. Then again, the British aren’t known for their cuisine.
On a serious note, the survey said that Germans and Poles were the most faithful, with a whopping 62 percent saying they never strayed. 62 percent?! I never realized it was that serious. Are guys really hardwired for infidelity? I mean, 62 percent, that’s like 3 in 5. It’s like saying that for every basketball game that occurs all over the world, four of the players have had moments of indiscretion. Of course, if you’re talking about the NBA, all ten players on the court, plus the benches, coaching staff, and maybe the mascots may have had moments of indiscretion. Wow, 62 percent. That’s really bleak. Shaq has a better chance of making a free throw than ladies finding a one-woman guy. So, ladies, when you find such a guy, better hold on to him or else he’s gonna be holding something else. Especially if he’s Filipino.
As a Filipino, I'm particularly proud of this achievement. Hmmm, so we’re “world-beaters”, are we? *snicker snicker* I have some interesting insights regarding this particular fact. First, it shows that we would do anything to get on the record books. We Filipinos are so hungry to get our country on the map, we would attempt anything that includes a superlative adjective. Heck, we already have the smallest fish, largest crocodile, and tiniest president. Why not throw in the strongest right hand wrists for good measure?
Being world-beaters (gawd, I never get tired of that) also shows that we are the masters of time management. Never mind that we spend most of our time working from sunup to sundown just to put a roof over our heads, pay the electric bill, pay the water bill, pay for gas, pay for a lotto ticket, feed our children, feed our wives, feed our mistresses. No, we still have enough time on our hands *snicker snicker* to spank the monkey six freakin’ times a week! To those who feel that they are always too busy to do anything, keep this world-beating record in mind and keep repeating the mantra “There’s always time for wanking, there’s always time for wanking…”
In connection with this, it also shows that Filipinos are still religious. While it may be weird, even blasphemous, to link self-pleasure with spirituality, keep in mind that we only do it six times a week. This shows that we still honor the Sabbath day.
The results of this survey also showed other world records, and it is here that I will engage in making fun of stereotypes. It mentioned that “South Koreans were having sex more times [four times] a week than anyone else in the world”. If I were in South Korea, I guess I would probably be having sex too, knowing that any day could be my last with crazy Kim’s nukes pointed in my direction. This aside from the fact that it is probably the only form of recreation in the whole country besides taekwondo and Korea-novelas or whatever the hell it is they call those shows. Personally, I would prefer sex. I wouldn’t want to get my ass kicked by a nation of blackbelters. As for the TV shows, they just don’t do it for me, with their pretty leading ladies and prettier leading men. Running buck naked through the DMZ minefield holds more appeal for me.
The survey said that Brazilians had the most lovers, with 19 percent saying they’ve had a threesome. These Brazilians, they’re something else. What, do they shake hands with their penises? “Hi, my name is Ronaldinho, nice to meet you. Oops. Was that good for you too? And who’s your friend here? Hi, my name… Oops. Maybe they should rename this place Trio de Janeiro.” It makes sense considering they excel in a sport that involves all body parts except the hands. Being Brazilian probably also helps them avoid those pesky commitment issues and just keep sleeping around. “You want to get married? But I don’t have a last name.”
It was also mentioned that the Italians were the best at pleasuring their lovers. The wording was actually “60 percent of Italian men said that they made their partner climax every time”, the operative word being “said”. What, are we supposed to take their word for it? I’m betting they’re just being duped. After all, this is the country that produced great actresses like Sophia Loren and Isabella Rossellini, not to mention the home of great opera. Y’know, where the fat lady screams for all it’s worth. Sounds familiar, paisan?
The record I found most amusing was about the British. Now, when I think about British men (not that I do), “studmuffin” never comes to mind. Instead, the image I have is Prince Charles, Mr. Bean, or that weird guy from “The Office”. So it really cracked me up when the survey showed that Brits spend the longest time on foreplay (17.44 minutes), but are the, um, quickest shooters. Do the 17 minutes of foreplay include struggling with opening their fly and accidentally pleasuring themselves? It’s like going to a five-star restaurant and filling yourself up with bread. Then again, the British aren’t known for their cuisine.
On a serious note, the survey said that Germans and Poles were the most faithful, with a whopping 62 percent saying they never strayed. 62 percent?! I never realized it was that serious. Are guys really hardwired for infidelity? I mean, 62 percent, that’s like 3 in 5. It’s like saying that for every basketball game that occurs all over the world, four of the players have had moments of indiscretion. Of course, if you’re talking about the NBA, all ten players on the court, plus the benches, coaching staff, and maybe the mascots may have had moments of indiscretion. Wow, 62 percent. That’s really bleak. Shaq has a better chance of making a free throw than ladies finding a one-woman guy. So, ladies, when you find such a guy, better hold on to him or else he’s gonna be holding something else. Especially if he’s Filipino.
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Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
Will have to live in Brazil some time.
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia