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Well its been 22 days since my last post and up until Sunday, I've been pretty postive, upbeat and focused although from Sun onwards, I've felt my mood flatten and found it very hard to snap out of it.  Although its nowhere as bad as in the early posts, the memory is still very fresh in my mind and still fear going back to the darkness!
What has suddenly changed to make this mood swing? I'm not sure although guess one trigger is the usual one, eg relationships or lack of one ? The second is I think too much about certain things and well don't know what else really? Its just very frustrating at times and just dislike feeling this flat!!
Do you know when I was much younger, I guess I sort of scoffed at the concept of love and thought it was pretty sissy, (I'm talking about teenage years) but now when you don't have someone to share it with, I realise just how important it is and what a major part it can play, everyone needs someone to love and be loved by I guess.
Not too much more I can or want to add at this time.
Average guy
Last week was okay, even with the passing of a close colleague, I even felt like my old self again, although on the day of the funeral, I felt pretty emotional and low and this feeling rumbled on into Sat. That evening I had friends and colleagues round for a meal which was fun but I still felt flat, low and emotional. this could have been the final shock of the funeral or maybe the bottle of wine I had drunk didn't help.
It must have been pretty obvious as my friends seemed concerned and called me the next day. Sun felt better and as the sun was shing decided to go for a walk taking photos, doing this lifted my mood somewhat and when you are feeling down, focus on the stuff that you do enjoy and put into second place the other non fun stuff.
I guee I just have to persevere with this although I have noticed at present I seem to be a bit more short tempered than normal and not taking any lip from people. Hopefully bearing no other major triggers I can slowly put this behind me.
average guy
Until Friday I had been feeling so much better, almost like I was in a different place, I felt more positive, focused and actually achieve a full days work. Although we had some very bad news at work on Fri regarding a close and respected colleague and now its left me feeling fairly unsettled.
Just from things I had overheard leading upto being told, I had an idea what was coming from prevous past experience but sitting all in a room and being told, then taking in how people who hadn't realised reacted wasn't nice.
The thought did cross my mind that this is what it would be like when someone close to you sucumbs to those thoughts and it wasn't a nice thing to see actually. Afterwards I felt very sad but not flat as I had been previously, although I went out last night, my heart wasn't in it although the person I met seemed very nice, I think a mixture of this and still in love with my ex hasn't helped there.
So today woke up early feeling flatter than I have done all week and its times like this when someone to give you a hug is pretty important. Next week will be tough as everyone will realise that it has happened and not a dream, so glad I have my counsellor appt on Mon night again.
Until later
averageguy
Thank you for your previous comments Peter and those words you heard somewhere?
Today has been my best day so far since May 1st when this started, I actually felt motivated enough to cycle to work in a 1deg chilly Chch morning. I wouldn't say that I was happy and I still have that shadow of a doubt in my mind of the past week or so but I'm hopeful that bearing no triggers that cause a relapse, then things should be on the up
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The hardest thing when dealing with depression is how your feelings can change just so quickly. Earlier today I was out with some friends when I could feel a low coming on and had leave before bursting into tears. Felt quite low until a friend called around a couple of hours later and we just chatted, my mood slowly raised I felt better than I did.
This is one of the things that is helpful, having friends, partners,family that do get it and understand what you are going through, people who won't judge you etc. And if some people don;t get it, then find someone who does
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Four years ago I suffered from a really bad period of depression, but got through it with good friends and work. I had put this all behind me until just over a week ago, it reared its ugly head once more. I know the triggers and this time I wasn't prepared for the strength of the spike.
Just over a week ago, my dream girl who i was just starting to allow myself to fall for, told me that she was still in love with her ex, they had been in touch and had talked about getting married. How she had done this whilst dating me was a huge suprise
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Comment by averageguynz
on Depression- is there a way through it? Continued
Average Guy
Thanks for reading post and also for sharing your thoughts, sorry to hear about your shallow friends but you have been positive by sharing your feelings. I would say that your friends aren't really nice people for the things they said. But then you are better than them Kenny as you might have loved and lost but you have still loved and I bet they haven't felt this way and more of the case, being a real man and standing up and admiting it, that take real courage and well done.
It is natural to feel angry at times, as no one likes to get hurt, be made a fool of and all the other thoughts that run through our minds. I've had my heart broken a few times, the last just recently and I'm 39 years old and even though I have had 'thoughts' from time to time, I realised 'why should I let them beat me'?
I don't know which country you live in but there will be support networks set up, so if you are feeling these thoughts, please find someone to talk to, could be family, a friend, someone you trust or even someone in a church. We all need help and support at times and its the right thing to do, to stand up and say help me, that takes courage and guts. Plus someone just giving you a hug and saying you are okay, works wonders.
Sometimes finding things that make you smile could be good, Family Guy always works for me.
Today I had a strange morning but still got a lift out of it. I cycle to work and got two punctures from the same nail, also cut my finger on the metal, so i was getting cheesed off, but then as I was cycling through the inner city suburbs, I spotted a seagull just standing in the middle of the road with cars whizzing by it. So waiting for a gap in the traffic, I quickly picked it up and placed it safely behind some bushes in a garden.
My thinking was, on the road no chance, in the garden 50/50 chance but the thing is if I hadn't have been late, I wouldn't have saved that bird and doing a good deed actually lifted my mood, so there is hope out there as even on the darkest night, dawn always follows.
If you have any of those thoughts please do try and find someone to talk to as you are better than that, how do I know this? Because you have stood up and recognised how you feel and shared your thoughts and feelings, none of your so called friends would do that, so good on you!
If any of my readers can offer Kenny some helpful positive advice, please feel free to leave a comment.
average guy