The Voices in my HeadAutumn Grace: Part 1
February 13th 2007 00:30
Autumn-Grace sat at the kitchen table with her mother, Lana. They stared at each other as the ceiling fan hummed and the blades made dark shadows on the walls. It pulled the odor of burning leaves in through the open window to mix with the faint lilac scent of the card and torn envelope on the table. It was an invitation to a cousin’s rehearsal dinner. Lana and Autumn-Grace were invited. Tyler was not.
Everyone knew that Autumn-Grace was dating Tyler. This was the third invitation over the past few months that had specifically excluded Tyler, in her mind, and Autumn-Grace was furious. Lana almost smiled but thought better of it.
“Autumn-Grace, they’re not trying –”
“What am I supposed to tell Tyler?” she said, slamming her hand on the table and knocking over the little jar of cream beside her. Autumn watched the widening spill and thought of herself as she watched the watched the white pool free itself from its small container.
Lana’s eyes were steady on her daughter. As she went to the sink to get the washrag to clean up the spill, she said, “I think you are making too much of this. They may not know you are still dating Tyler or they may not have room for extra guests or may not be able to afford it! There are a million possibilities as to why Tyler wasn’t invited!” Lana turned and threw the washcloth against the wall above the sink, where it slid down behind the faucet.
“Every time we talk, it’s the same thing over and over! You just don’t get it. You know what, mom? I don’t care. We can talk about this a million times, and it won’t change a thing. I am fed up with it. I am dating a black man and people need to get used to it! In fact, I am not going to this rehearsal dinner or anything else that excludes Tyler. We have been together for six months now. I can’t continue to pretend like this isn’t going on.”
Lana looked at her daughter for a moment and then let her head fall back, so that she was staring at the ceiling fan. “I don’t believe this was intentional, sweetie. If you refuse to go to this dinner, you are going to make something out of nothing.” Lana untied her apron and hung it beside the fridge. “I have to go to the dinner. It’s my only niece’s wedding, for heaven’s sake! You do what you want.”
“I will. You keep telling me that everyone is equal my entire life. Why don’t you care that other people don’t feel that way?” Autumn Grace arched her left eyebrow at her mother.
“I don’t care, Autumn, because I do not think anyone in our family is talking behind your back, for one. Secondly, I think you need to understand not everyone will be okay with your relationship.” Lana watched her daughter’s eyes glaze over, the way they did when she was no longer open to discussion.
“I love Tyler, honey. Please know that. He is a wonderful man, but not everyone will see past his skin color.” Lana paused for a moment and said quietly, “Your father would have loved Tyler.” Both women grew quiet at the mention of Richard, her late husband. He had died only six months before. “But you have chosen to love a man that not everyone will accept. That is something that you have to accept and move on.”
“I would think you would be proud of me for standing up for my beliefs. Instead, I’m sitting here wondering if you are really concerned about ‘those people’ or if you are just more concerned about the fact that your daughter is dating a black man? Maybe you don’t believe what you and daddy told me all these years, mother. If so, then that’s too bad, because I do.”
Lana continued on, “I think you also need to consider that not everyone will have a problem with Tyler because of his skin color. But that hasn’t even occurred to you, has it?”
Autumn-Grace’s mouth gaped and then shut quickly, as she stood up from the kitchen table. “Please call them and tell them I won’t be attending the rehearsal dinner. If you don’t, I will. I think you would rather do it, because I will not be as concerned with what people think as you obviously are, if I do it.”
“As I am?” Lana asked incredulously. “I don’t think that I am the one with the problem, Autumn-Grace. I really don’t.”
“Whatever, mother!” Autumn-Grace walked out of the house, letting the screen door slam.
Lana still sat at the kitchen table, thinking about everything that her daughter had said to her. Autumn-Grace was so angry and Lana wondered if she really had a right to be. Lana was still without an answer when she read the invitation again moments later. All she knew was that Autumn-Grace had seen racism everywhere in the past six months.
At the post office, Autumn-Grace swore that the clerk had refused to sell her a stamp when the postage increase occurred because she was dating a black man, rather than the reason the clerk gave of simply being out of stamps. Then, at the grocery store, Autumn-Grace swore that the stock boy had refused to look for an out of stock item in the back because she was dating a black man.
As she picked up the phone to call her niece, Lana absentmindedly wondered how long it would take her daughter to see reality.
Everyone knew that Autumn-Grace was dating Tyler. This was the third invitation over the past few months that had specifically excluded Tyler, in her mind, and Autumn-Grace was furious. Lana almost smiled but thought better of it.
“Autumn-Grace, they’re not trying –”
“What am I supposed to tell Tyler?” she said, slamming her hand on the table and knocking over the little jar of cream beside her. Autumn watched the widening spill and thought of herself as she watched the watched the white pool free itself from its small container.
Lana’s eyes were steady on her daughter. As she went to the sink to get the washrag to clean up the spill, she said, “I think you are making too much of this. They may not know you are still dating Tyler or they may not have room for extra guests or may not be able to afford it! There are a million possibilities as to why Tyler wasn’t invited!” Lana turned and threw the washcloth against the wall above the sink, where it slid down behind the faucet.
“Every time we talk, it’s the same thing over and over! You just don’t get it. You know what, mom? I don’t care. We can talk about this a million times, and it won’t change a thing. I am fed up with it. I am dating a black man and people need to get used to it! In fact, I am not going to this rehearsal dinner or anything else that excludes Tyler. We have been together for six months now. I can’t continue to pretend like this isn’t going on.”
Lana looked at her daughter for a moment and then let her head fall back, so that she was staring at the ceiling fan. “I don’t believe this was intentional, sweetie. If you refuse to go to this dinner, you are going to make something out of nothing.” Lana untied her apron and hung it beside the fridge. “I have to go to the dinner. It’s my only niece’s wedding, for heaven’s sake! You do what you want.”
“I will. You keep telling me that everyone is equal my entire life. Why don’t you care that other people don’t feel that way?” Autumn Grace arched her left eyebrow at her mother.
“I don’t care, Autumn, because I do not think anyone in our family is talking behind your back, for one. Secondly, I think you need to understand not everyone will be okay with your relationship.” Lana watched her daughter’s eyes glaze over, the way they did when she was no longer open to discussion.
“I love Tyler, honey. Please know that. He is a wonderful man, but not everyone will see past his skin color.” Lana paused for a moment and said quietly, “Your father would have loved Tyler.” Both women grew quiet at the mention of Richard, her late husband. He had died only six months before. “But you have chosen to love a man that not everyone will accept. That is something that you have to accept and move on.”
“I would think you would be proud of me for standing up for my beliefs. Instead, I’m sitting here wondering if you are really concerned about ‘those people’ or if you are just more concerned about the fact that your daughter is dating a black man? Maybe you don’t believe what you and daddy told me all these years, mother. If so, then that’s too bad, because I do.”
Lana continued on, “I think you also need to consider that not everyone will have a problem with Tyler because of his skin color. But that hasn’t even occurred to you, has it?”
Autumn-Grace’s mouth gaped and then shut quickly, as she stood up from the kitchen table. “Please call them and tell them I won’t be attending the rehearsal dinner. If you don’t, I will. I think you would rather do it, because I will not be as concerned with what people think as you obviously are, if I do it.”
“As I am?” Lana asked incredulously. “I don’t think that I am the one with the problem, Autumn-Grace. I really don’t.”
“Whatever, mother!” Autumn-Grace walked out of the house, letting the screen door slam.
Lana still sat at the kitchen table, thinking about everything that her daughter had said to her. Autumn-Grace was so angry and Lana wondered if she really had a right to be. Lana was still without an answer when she read the invitation again moments later. All she knew was that Autumn-Grace had seen racism everywhere in the past six months.
At the post office, Autumn-Grace swore that the clerk had refused to sell her a stamp when the postage increase occurred because she was dating a black man, rather than the reason the clerk gave of simply being out of stamps. Then, at the grocery store, Autumn-Grace swore that the stock boy had refused to look for an out of stock item in the back because she was dating a black man.
As she picked up the phone to call her niece, Lana absentmindedly wondered how long it would take her daughter to see reality.
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