ASIO and the Oracle
October 9th 2006 06:15
It appeared in the news awhile back that an ASIO agent had approached a psychic to help find the person or persons responsible for a threat to the Prime Minster of Australia. Aside from the fact that this agent has been suspended the story still raises some interesting questions.
Not the least of which is what did the psychic say to the agent. I mean it really would have been great to be the fly on the wall at that meeting. First if there was a fly on the wall it would mean that the meeting was ‘Bugged” to begin with. Not unusual when dealing with ASIO.
Second is the actual meeting. I suspect it would have gone something like this;
Our psychic, sitting at the desk in her office when the office door explodes inwards in a shower of wood and glass, followed by an ASIO agent in full camouflage and body armour, he rolls across the floor and pops up behind the water cooler, assault rifle pointed at our hapless psychic.
‘Hi Bill. Right on time I see.’
‘My name’s not Bill.’
‘Don’t be silly, of course it is, says so on at least two of your passports and at least one of your wives calls you Bill.’
‘Name’s not Bill and don’t you forget it.’
‘Ok, not Bill, when did you first receive the threat against the Prime Minister?’
‘There is no threat.’
‘Then why are you here?’
‘Umm, there might have been a threat and we want to know who might have made the threat, if one was made.’
‘I would would need to see the letter and hold it if possible.’
‘There is no letter. You can’t hold this or even look at it.’
‘Yes, yes, I understand completely. Would you have something of the Prime Ministers, perhaps an article of clothing.’
‘No, I don’t have this pair of underwear that he wasn’t wearing when he didn’t receive the letter.’
‘You could have at least washed them.’
‘Washed what?’
‘Mmm, yes, just keep the plastic bag shut please.’
‘What plastic bag?’
‘Exactly. Look, I think I can help. Can you please come back tomorrow?’
‘I can’t come back, I’ve never been here.’
‘Oh, of course, silly me. Well, don’t come back and I won’t have a list of names for you.’
The next morning our intrepid psychic arrives at her office, entering through the back door as the front door is now just a sheet of plywood. She makes two cups of coffee and sits at her desk to read the morning paper. After about five minutes she looks at her watch and opens the double windows just in time for a body to hurtle through them and crash against the opposite wall.
Good morning, not Bill. Nice to not see you again.
‘Do you have the list?’
‘Of course. I managed to get a short list of around one hundred and sixty names.’
‘Let me see that. (Grabbing the list) This the only copy?’
‘Yes.’
‘Did you make this list on that computer?’
‘Well, yes, as a matter of fact.’
The ASIO Agent, not Bill, empties the full clip of his assault rifle into the computer. Just to make sure he drops a thermal grenade into the mess and dives under the desk followed by the psychic.
After the flare dies down, the agent and psychic crawl out from under the desk. The agent looks at the list and turns to point his gun at the psychic.
‘What is this shit? This list has some of the Prime Minsters family on it.’
‘Well, of course. It was so much easier to make a list of those who really don’t care one way or the other. Just deduct that list from the Australian white pages and Bob’s your uncle.’
Not the least of which is what did the psychic say to the agent. I mean it really would have been great to be the fly on the wall at that meeting. First if there was a fly on the wall it would mean that the meeting was ‘Bugged” to begin with. Not unusual when dealing with ASIO.
Second is the actual meeting. I suspect it would have gone something like this;
Our psychic, sitting at the desk in her office when the office door explodes inwards in a shower of wood and glass, followed by an ASIO agent in full camouflage and body armour, he rolls across the floor and pops up behind the water cooler, assault rifle pointed at our hapless psychic.
‘Hi Bill. Right on time I see.’
‘My name’s not Bill.’
‘Don’t be silly, of course it is, says so on at least two of your passports and at least one of your wives calls you Bill.’
‘Name’s not Bill and don’t you forget it.’
‘Ok, not Bill, when did you first receive the threat against the Prime Minister?’
‘There is no threat.’
‘Then why are you here?’
‘Umm, there might have been a threat and we want to know who might have made the threat, if one was made.’
‘I would would need to see the letter and hold it if possible.’
‘There is no letter. You can’t hold this or even look at it.’
‘Yes, yes, I understand completely. Would you have something of the Prime Ministers, perhaps an article of clothing.’
‘No, I don’t have this pair of underwear that he wasn’t wearing when he didn’t receive the letter.’
‘You could have at least washed them.’
‘Washed what?’
‘Mmm, yes, just keep the plastic bag shut please.’
‘What plastic bag?’
‘Exactly. Look, I think I can help. Can you please come back tomorrow?’
‘I can’t come back, I’ve never been here.’
‘Oh, of course, silly me. Well, don’t come back and I won’t have a list of names for you.’
The next morning our intrepid psychic arrives at her office, entering through the back door as the front door is now just a sheet of plywood. She makes two cups of coffee and sits at her desk to read the morning paper. After about five minutes she looks at her watch and opens the double windows just in time for a body to hurtle through them and crash against the opposite wall.
Good morning, not Bill. Nice to not see you again.
‘Do you have the list?’
‘Of course. I managed to get a short list of around one hundred and sixty names.’
‘Let me see that. (Grabbing the list) This the only copy?’
‘Yes.’
‘Did you make this list on that computer?’
‘Well, yes, as a matter of fact.’
The ASIO Agent, not Bill, empties the full clip of his assault rifle into the computer. Just to make sure he drops a thermal grenade into the mess and dives under the desk followed by the psychic.
After the flare dies down, the agent and psychic crawl out from under the desk. The agent looks at the list and turns to point his gun at the psychic.
‘What is this shit? This list has some of the Prime Minsters family on it.’
‘Well, of course. It was so much easier to make a list of those who really don’t care one way or the other. Just deduct that list from the Australian white pages and Bob’s your uncle.’
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