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I live in a rural community, so everbody nows everybody and there is a clear social strata. I recieved the local paper yesterday, and what do I find but a half page studio photo of someone who has been working in the Drug and Alcohol field less than I have. To top it off there is a half page article about how he changed careers in his forties from a handyman to Drug and Alcohol worker, and to rub salt in the wounds he loves to help people, and promotes the message 'if he can make a change so late in life, than the clients he works with can make change to.' Great, good for him. I mean that, the man has done well, I know him and I applaud him for his succesful change. But I was right royally pissed, who is this guy to get a half page right up, when here I am struggling to get by and achieve what most people take for granted. Petulant spoilt child, sure, I admit that. I am not angry at him, I am angry at the injustice of it all. A local boy made good, gets written up and promoted as a hero. Who do these people think they are. lets promote a local service who has the monopoly in the area and further more lets write a feel good story about someone who is well known anyway, who is helping people.
I feel a little better now, only a little, because I have come to realise in recent time that I abhor injustice, and yet I sit back and do nothing except complain. But that is besides the point at the moment, what I want to relect here is that I took some time to let the thoughts run through my mind and process, why was I so angry about this? And I come to realise that early on in life, somewhere in Junior primary school, there was an art competion, an I dilidently spent a lot of time on doing a chalk drawing of Garfield. I loved to draw at that time and was always skething Garfield, so I was proud of my work. Keep in mind that I did not share my passion with anybody, not even at home, it was my secret. The pictures went up and the popular kid won. I remember sitting in the background alone, while his friends crowded around him. It was so unfair, who was I to talk tyo about my feelings of defeat and failure, and more so what made this kid so special he just threw together some picture and was decalred winner by his peers, because he was there friend. Life is not fair, I have not experienced a win, ever, based on merit. I have always been the one sitting on the outside looking in, because I am different, and that is hard to reconcile now as an adult.
The point I diverged from earlier is this, I abhor injustice, I complain and make excuses why I can't effect or influence change. I now know to be happy that rather than feel sorry for myself, I need to speak my truth and put it out there, because nothing will change. For a long time I have had ideas about the things I am going to do, I start, I stop. Why, well no other reason than I feel people are not interested in what I have to say. Irrespective they are all excuses.
I caught up last year with someone I used to consider a friend, someone I had not seen for 10 years. As my life has been constantly moving forward, and growing up with we drift away from the people we knew in school. But I remember him saying to me "I wish I had of done what you've done. You've been places and seen things." I thought what an odd thing to say, considering he had a hugh house a successful business, and I know for a fact he worked hard for this lifestyle. He started working at 15 years old. However his comment rally made an impact today when someone else I have not seen in 20 years left a post on facebook saying he was looking for me. Sure enough I replyed and and out of courtesy or curiosity I am not sure I accepted him as a friend. I looked at his photos,a nd told him what I am doing at the moment, and almost cried. What these two people do not understand about living the life I have since I was fourteen, I have missed out on getting close to peopl. I have lived on the outskirts, trying desperatley to find somewhere I belong, somewhere to call home. It is and has not been a picnic being so removed and disconnected from people. Yes I have been places, I have seen things, but at a cost. I am successful in work, I have a wife and three kids, but little else. Will I ever find a place to belong and call home? I don't know, but I will keep looking.
When I talk about relationships, I am talking broadly. Being independant and living by what you know, it is very rarely your world view is challenged. But commiting to staying in one place, it is inevitable people will want to get to know you. How do you explain to someone you are a survivor? I have few interests because I have not allowed myself time to engage in activities, I don't have contact with my family, I don't have a peer group because I don't know how to engage etc etc. I want to be normal and for the most part I consider myself to be, but I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know how to accept help and I struggle with the idea people like me for me. Its funny going to counselling really, the therapist talks to me as an equal, we challemge one another, I am quite articulate and self aware, but on the inside I am screaming out for help, but I don't know how to show or express that.
Being close to people in my opinion is confusing, because you want to interact on a mature adult lesson, but for me I am sensitive and might read things the wrong way. I want to communicate my wants and boundries, but I am worried that I am being unreasonable, and besides they are not that important, so I will just please the other person. That approach is fraught with danger, they get sick of your fence sitting, you blow up and argue and a whole range of other things.
The other thing about being independant and being able to cope, people assume you can and are, and I am staring to believe there is a certain level of need in relationships. I think people like to know or feel that they are needed, and if they don't recieve or sense that, well, they'll stay distant or find it somewhere else. The other problem with keeping people at arms length is that people believe you to be arrogant and don't want to spend time with you. I say I don't care but I do, but I don't know how to change it.
This is what I live with, isolation and alienation, I know as an adult I have a choice to change that, but living this way it has formed as a part of my identity and how does one change there identity? I believe this is one part of a multitude of issues that survivors of foster care live with.
When I talk about relationships, I am talking broadly. Being independant and living by what you know, it is very rarely your world view is challenged. But commiting to staying in one place, it is inevitable people will want to get to know you. How do you explain to someone you are a survivor? I have few interests because I have not allowed myself time to engage in activities, I don't have contact with my family, I don't have a peer group because I don't know how to engage etc etc. I want to be normal and for the most part I consider myself to be, but I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know how to accept help and I struggle with the idea people like me for me. Its funny going to counselling really, the therapist talks to me as an equal, we challemge one another, I am quite articulate and self aware, but on the inside I am screaming out for help, but I don't know how to show or express that.
Being close to people in my opinion is confusing, because you want to interact on a mature adult lesson, but for me I am sensitive and might read things the wrong way. I want to communicate my wants and boundries, but I am worried that I am being unreasonable, and besides they are not that important, so I will just please the other person. That approach is fraught with danger, they get sick of your fence sitting, you blow up and argue and a whole range of other things
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Let me tell you a tale about a little boy I once knew. Born into a family with a mother whos suffers schizophrenia, in seven homes before he was two years old. Finally after much tooing and froing he is placed in to permanent care. Up until nine years of age he is seeing therapist and counsellors, to help him settle down. In this family he is punished for any wrong doings by beatings and constantly reminded he will amount to nothing he his a naughty boy. Around nine years old he is given a room of his own out the back, the only time he is aloud in the house is for meal. He is no longer a part of the family. Forced to spend days sitting on the back porch waiting for them to come home, or wonder the streets til sun down. Won't go to see friends as he has none, occasionally he will seek out another foster carer he knows so he can get something to eat or just enjoy there company. At fourteen he is asked to leave. To another foster home, where life is better he is aloud inside he even has a room, but he is treated as a house mate. So he has responsibility and very little time with any support and guidance. At sixteen he leaves, his social worker does not even follow up with him. he is on his own trying to figure out how to pay rent and bills with no adult supervision and guidance.
I put to you, where do you thing this little boy is now? What kind of adult did he grow to be?
I have just had a look at my original post, and have realised it has been nearly two years. A lot has passed, birth of Children, settling of Marriage and Moving. I have not been diligent in making this blog work. The passion is still there, the desire to affect change still burns. But what to do? I know what I know based on where I have come from and where I am now, but still I can't help but think I am missing something. I want to hear from other people, survivors, workers in the field, heck anyone who has an opinion. What do people think about being a survivour, what have survivours done to move passed it, what suggestions do people have to help people move passed it. All these questions plauge me daily. I have come to a realisation that I now have a choice to move on, but how?
I was asked a simple question, "What do I want?, if you could dream about how things could be, how would they be?" I choked, no one has ever asked me that, and do you know what, I know what I want but I am scared to believe I can have that. I now live with anger, and overwhelming sadness just trying to process this and what's more how to affect change in my own life, because I have always had to just go along to get along
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Salutations and greetings, I have to admit I have been in hiding for a while. My ranking was low and I was feeling somewhat embarrassed, but keep at it they say. The other reason is I have spent all spare time I have working on my first book, which is a kids book. But I am back with many a random musings.
Tonight I thought I would give you a basic, simply yummy soup loosley based on a minestrone. This soup sticks to my theory of the basic staples, if you don't know what I am talking about read the post on basic staples. The great thing about this soup is that it is basic, takes very little prep time and if you want to add your own flair you have a solid base
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I go it alone and have done for quite some time now. I am an Adult Survivor of Foster Care. I now stand at the fork in the road, do I carry on as I always have or do I journey down the path of healing? For many that appears to be an easy question, but for those of us who are aware of a trauma in our life, the prospect of healing is scary.
I have been fortunate and successful in many ways, but have found myself in a place where it is only me I can rely on and talk to, yes I did this. It was easier than getting close to people and getting hurt yet again
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Here we are again, I will now share with you rule number two. Which is a secret also.
In my previous post I said customers want to be lead. What this means is that unless you have a particular taste and that is all you ever order, than you like many are out to dine for the experience.
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Righto, at this point I am going to share with you a secret of cooking a restaurant quality meal at home using staples. Come closer, no, no closer I want to whisper this in your ear. If you hit your head on the screen, well that was silly wasn't it.
Sorry, but to work in a kitchen you have to have a sense of humour, most important. But seriously, anybody can cook. On a basic level it is systematic, what I mean by that is if you are rebuilding a motor, putting together a cupboard or anything manual there are tools, ingredients and an order you use to put it together. Cooking is the same, that is what menus are for they are an instructional manual. Learn them and you can cook anything off the top of your head, really it is that simple. Now here is a secret ingredient I use in all my recipes, wait for it...no it is not staples. It is LOVE. I mean that I have trained apprentices and have had people ask what have I put in my food because it is different to the apprentices, my answer was and will always be love. To be great you have to love what you do
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Comment by Arthur Williams
on Father and Son
GOING IT ALONE
The voices of parents roll across the land, like the voice of god, calling the angels home. Almost as if by magic parents materilise from the sun at first like shadows. It is almost as if the Arcangels themselves have come.
I watch the departing shadows, as the little angels share tales of dragons slain and battes won. Parents listening earnestly, never doubting. Alone as the field is layed to rest in a blaket of darkness, I wonder "Home, where is home?" I than start my journey back to the prison where I reside.
Inevitably we grow and I now am the man, the child long forgotten. As I walk through the the open field, at that specal time of night, and the golden spotlight shines. I almost hear the distant echo of the children, me as a child and I take his hand proudly, no longer waiting for the night to hide my shame and I listen to the tales never shared.