Another Monday - Is There A Pilot In The House?
July 22nd 2007 09:53
Bang. And with that, Another Monday is back. The hiatus is behind us and the stupidity is back. It’s nothing like bringing ‘Sexy Back’ - we couldn’t afford the video clip. We hoped you missed us. We missed you too. Whoever the hell you are.
This week we find ourselves again in another Supermarket aisle. The ‘Another Monday Party’ faithful will remember the last time we were in the Supermarket. It was singles night and we didn’t even know it. A lot of upright banana action and not enough dip purchasing. But let’s not get into dips; this has nothing to do with sticks.
ANOTHER MONDAY - IS THERE A PILOT IN THE HOUSE?
In a word full of name badges, AWA’s, red spot specials, price rewinds, rollbacks and dollar dazzlers, it’s easy to get confused. This is a perfect example as to why it’s important you wake up before you get out of bed.
Her name was Lola and she wasn’t a showgirl. She was the cashier on Checkout Three. She smiled as I approached. She assumed the position and waited for my first item to be placed on the conveyor belt. She had crossed checked all her exits, stowed her tray in the upright position and was ready for take off. As soon as the first item was set down, you could feel the heavy rev of her engines powering down the runway, excelling at great speed and flying into auto pilot.
Apples, mixed beans, orange juice, salt and vinegar chips, Lean Cuisine for One, Lemons, Milk, Bread, Eggs, Dip… She was traveling at an enormous speed. It was only a maximum of two seconds from the time my items left my basket to the time it met with the red criss cross rays of the scanner.
It was a struggle to keep up but she wasn’t going to get the better of me. This was a race. Albeit a silently contested race but a race I was going to win. Jelly, Coffee, Almonds, Tissues, Marshmallows, Shampoo and Butter. I was working up a sweat and realised I forgot deodorant. Deodorant schmoderant - I had my eye on the prize. A minute later after frantic motions from the basket to the belt, I got there. My basket was empty and Lola was still going. I had won. A sweet victory indeed. Yes, I got you Lola.
As her face changed from focused to sad, she slowed down and scanned the last three items. She scanned the last item. Nothing happened. She tried again. Oh no, I was doomed for a painfully long price check. You know the type. After ‘price check’ calls and twenty minutes later, someone from ‘groceries’ comes back and tells you they can’t find your item. Then an Assistant Manager intervenes, followed by the Store Manager then someone from Head Office. The person doing the instore demonstration helps out, along with the irate person behind you and they’re all debating the price of your ‘Chocolate Laxative On the Go’. I looked at Lola. She scanned the item again. Nothing happened. She looked for a bar code. No bar code.
She lunged for the microphone. But before she uttered that dreaded price check phrase I whispered very quietly to her. “Can I have my purse back please?”
Have you got a purse? Or is it more of a man-bag? Are you an auto pilot? Have you admitted defeat? Are you red and criss crossed? If so, email Liz at Another Monday. anothermonday@theonioncupboar d.com Music and passion were always the fashion, At the Copa… They fell in love.
This week we find ourselves again in another Supermarket aisle. The ‘Another Monday Party’ faithful will remember the last time we were in the Supermarket. It was singles night and we didn’t even know it. A lot of upright banana action and not enough dip purchasing. But let’s not get into dips; this has nothing to do with sticks.
In a word full of name badges, AWA’s, red spot specials, price rewinds, rollbacks and dollar dazzlers, it’s easy to get confused. This is a perfect example as to why it’s important you wake up before you get out of bed.
Her name was Lola and she wasn’t a showgirl. She was the cashier on Checkout Three. She smiled as I approached. She assumed the position and waited for my first item to be placed on the conveyor belt. She had crossed checked all her exits, stowed her tray in the upright position and was ready for take off. As soon as the first item was set down, you could feel the heavy rev of her engines powering down the runway, excelling at great speed and flying into auto pilot.
Apples, mixed beans, orange juice, salt and vinegar chips, Lean Cuisine for One, Lemons, Milk, Bread, Eggs, Dip… She was traveling at an enormous speed. It was only a maximum of two seconds from the time my items left my basket to the time it met with the red criss cross rays of the scanner.
It was a struggle to keep up but she wasn’t going to get the better of me. This was a race. Albeit a silently contested race but a race I was going to win. Jelly, Coffee, Almonds, Tissues, Marshmallows, Shampoo and Butter. I was working up a sweat and realised I forgot deodorant. Deodorant schmoderant - I had my eye on the prize. A minute later after frantic motions from the basket to the belt, I got there. My basket was empty and Lola was still going. I had won. A sweet victory indeed. Yes, I got you Lola.
As her face changed from focused to sad, she slowed down and scanned the last three items. She scanned the last item. Nothing happened. She tried again. Oh no, I was doomed for a painfully long price check. You know the type. After ‘price check’ calls and twenty minutes later, someone from ‘groceries’ comes back and tells you they can’t find your item. Then an Assistant Manager intervenes, followed by the Store Manager then someone from Head Office. The person doing the instore demonstration helps out, along with the irate person behind you and they’re all debating the price of your ‘Chocolate Laxative On the Go’. I looked at Lola. She scanned the item again. Nothing happened. She looked for a bar code. No bar code.
She lunged for the microphone. But before she uttered that dreaded price check phrase I whispered very quietly to her. “Can I have my purse back please?”
Have you got a purse? Or is it more of a man-bag? Are you an auto pilot? Have you admitted defeat? Are you red and criss crossed? If so, email Liz at Another Monday. anothermonday@theonioncupboar d.com Music and passion were always the fashion, At the Copa… They fell in love.
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