Kerryn WoodAnd this is who I am...
October 31st 2007 12:13
I am Me. All of me, is every bit of me, and as much as me as I can be.
“Me” is the web that the spider has spun; strong sticky soft fine threads of silk, radiate from the middle to the end and back again, and then they circumnavigate their way around in a circular motion. When the orbit has been carried out many times, the finished piece is rendered stunning artwork by many, lesser by some. The web, like my many own complex and complete threads reach out in front of me, and all are interwoven and meet at many crossroads, and pass each other time and time again; and each is intrinsic to the other. Break one tiny finger of web, and while the web will hold, it will be weakened; and break another and then another, and the web will be destroyed. A spider can re-build her web, and I too, can re-build mine.
I have learnt to re-build my web many, many times. I have moved it to various places, seeking out the best stronghold, the darkest corner, the most brilliant light. I have climbed high and then gone underground; I have built webs in the ancient trees, in between impassable rocks, over hanging a cliff, in the boot of a car. I build and re-build, I restructure and I learn lessons from each newly perfectly spun web.
And this is who I am
I am four: I am a woman, and a mother and a sister and a daughter. I exist in these four separate entities as one. I am emotional and sensitive, I am strong and powerful. I can fix the broken cup, I can make a cup of tea. I can change a light bulb, I can change a nappy; I can wash my hair, wash the clothes; paint my nails, paint the walls. I cook and clean and tidy and iron. I talk and teach, talk and laugh; I am opinionated, broad-minded, willing to listen, ready to learn. I cuddle and cry, feel, react, research, resource. I can baby-sit, do favours, run errands, organise, have picnics, have parties. I respect, admire, turn to, am thankful.
I live, I love, I learn, and I am.
And this is who I am
I am the pagan girl from the sea. I emerged from the dark waters a billion years ago, and climbing up onto the land, I left behind my fins, scales, gills and tail. I still go back to the water and immerse myself into her enveloping arms. She caresses me and I feel safe, protected, I feel the coolness washing over me and I am reborn. I float upward facing the sun, feeling it’s warmth penetrate my cells. Soft tentacles and delicate tendrils reach out from deep beneath me and tug at my mind, calling me back down into the depths below, summoning me back to my life that once was. But I am happy on the surface, I have the best of both worlds. I can be a fish with legs here on the earth, and I know where I shall return after my last mortal breath has left my lips.
And this is who I am
I am the tree hugging hippie who wears tie-dye dresses, owns a kombi called The Cosmos and a dog called Jim. I hug trees and I don’t step on ants; I am a vegetarian who loves tofu and I do not eat tuna because of the dolphins; the slaughter and capture and captivity of animals sickens and saddens me; the manta ray fills me with awe; mother nature inspires me; the sea lulls me, fills me with emotion; clouds engage me; rain soothes me; thunder and lightening excites me; I prefer animals to people. I don’t like over-development, I think multi-national companies suck; Make Chocolate Not War is my new motto. Nuclear power scares me and I don’t like the idea of it.
And this is who I am
An inconsistency…
A paradox…
A contradiction…
Criminals revolt me, yet fascinate me.
I hate my body; I always eat chocolate
I despise religion, I revel in its study.
I love sport, but I don’t play a thing.
I have a car, but global warming frightens me.
Commercial fishing should stop, but I still eat seafood.
Buy Australian made, but my cashews are from Vietnam.
I hate war - I love a good argument
I like women - I’ve always had a man
I have good friends - I am not a good one
I am honest - I can lie well
I feel alone - but I sit by myself
I am lazy - but I love my TV
I want to be a success - but I lack self-esteem
I want to go forward - but my shoes are on backwards
I want to go up - but I keep digging deeper
I want to save money - but I spend every penny
I want a job - but I don’t want to work
I love dancing - but I don’t
I love cooking - I can’t be bothered
I say that I will - but I don’t always do
Outwardly I am happy - inwardly I scream
To you, I appear different - to me, I am normal
To you I am normal - to me, I am different.
And this is who I am
I am shy. I am scared. I am the self-conscious one. I have no self-esteem. I let myself down. I am hard on myself. I am not worthy. I don’t deserve. I don’t know how to interact socially. I get scared. No, I am sorry, but I can’t dance with you because I am too self conscious, so please, don’t ask me. What does this look like? Is it okay? Maybe I should wear the other one? Can you see my fat bits? Does my bum look big in this? Who I am kidding, you’re bum looks big in everything. I wish I had longer hair. I wish my nails would grow. I can’t go out looking like this?! I wish I knew what he was saying, just smile and nod, smile and nod. What? Oh, yes. No. Sure. Okay then. Yes great, brilliant conversational skills there, you really had them all sitting on the edge of their seats with those breathtaking answers didn’t you???
Maybe I should go back to my counsellor. She’ll tell me how to behave.
And this is who I am
I am the angry one. I spit out the word hate. I hate what I don’t have, I hate that I hate that I don’t have. I hate his mother, her grandfather, your dad, your child annoys me. I hate that I’m old; hate that you’re young. I hate the world and it’s death and destruction. I hate war and famine, disease and poverty. I hate that I don’t do anything about anything. I hate that you don’t either. I hate that we aren’t all educated. I hate dumbness, stupidity, ignorance, intolerance, indifference, racism, terrorism, homophobia, xenophobia, arachnophobia. I hate that I am not an actor, a singer, a novelist. I hate that I hate…….it’s tiring.
And this is Who I am
I like men and I like women. I like sex. I love sex. I like bodies. Curves. Breasts. Arms. Bums. I like sexuality and sensuality. I like thinking about sex, reading about it, writing about it, doing it. I want to experience sexuality in many of its forms. I want to experience. I want to go places, see things, touch people. I want excitement and pleasure, I want to feel alive, I want space and freedom and honesty. But I want a fairy tale. I want my knight in shining armour to ride upon his horse, decree his undying, unconditional love for me, to sweep me off my feet and ride me off into the sunset. I want romance. I want passion. I want an all consuming love. I want to feel alive. I want space and freedom and honesty. I want love, to be loved, to love.
And this is Who I am
I am the one I haven’t discovered yet. I am the new. I am parts of the old that makes up the whole. I am fresh and exciting, or I am dark and repressed. I am alone, I am filled with friends and love and light and love. I am miserable. I am happy.
I am me, and this is who I am.
“Me” is the web that the spider has spun; strong sticky soft fine threads of silk, radiate from the middle to the end and back again, and then they circumnavigate their way around in a circular motion. When the orbit has been carried out many times, the finished piece is rendered stunning artwork by many, lesser by some. The web, like my many own complex and complete threads reach out in front of me, and all are interwoven and meet at many crossroads, and pass each other time and time again; and each is intrinsic to the other. Break one tiny finger of web, and while the web will hold, it will be weakened; and break another and then another, and the web will be destroyed. A spider can re-build her web, and I too, can re-build mine.
I have learnt to re-build my web many, many times. I have moved it to various places, seeking out the best stronghold, the darkest corner, the most brilliant light. I have climbed high and then gone underground; I have built webs in the ancient trees, in between impassable rocks, over hanging a cliff, in the boot of a car. I build and re-build, I restructure and I learn lessons from each newly perfectly spun web.
And this is who I am
I am four: I am a woman, and a mother and a sister and a daughter. I exist in these four separate entities as one. I am emotional and sensitive, I am strong and powerful. I can fix the broken cup, I can make a cup of tea. I can change a light bulb, I can change a nappy; I can wash my hair, wash the clothes; paint my nails, paint the walls. I cook and clean and tidy and iron. I talk and teach, talk and laugh; I am opinionated, broad-minded, willing to listen, ready to learn. I cuddle and cry, feel, react, research, resource. I can baby-sit, do favours, run errands, organise, have picnics, have parties. I respect, admire, turn to, am thankful.
And this is who I am
I am the pagan girl from the sea. I emerged from the dark waters a billion years ago, and climbing up onto the land, I left behind my fins, scales, gills and tail. I still go back to the water and immerse myself into her enveloping arms. She caresses me and I feel safe, protected, I feel the coolness washing over me and I am reborn. I float upward facing the sun, feeling it’s warmth penetrate my cells. Soft tentacles and delicate tendrils reach out from deep beneath me and tug at my mind, calling me back down into the depths below, summoning me back to my life that once was. But I am happy on the surface, I have the best of both worlds. I can be a fish with legs here on the earth, and I know where I shall return after my last mortal breath has left my lips.
And this is who I am
I am the tree hugging hippie who wears tie-dye dresses, owns a kombi called The Cosmos and a dog called Jim. I hug trees and I don’t step on ants; I am a vegetarian who loves tofu and I do not eat tuna because of the dolphins; the slaughter and capture and captivity of animals sickens and saddens me; the manta ray fills me with awe; mother nature inspires me; the sea lulls me, fills me with emotion; clouds engage me; rain soothes me; thunder and lightening excites me; I prefer animals to people. I don’t like over-development, I think multi-national companies suck; Make Chocolate Not War is my new motto. Nuclear power scares me and I don’t like the idea of it.
And this is who I am
An inconsistency…
A paradox…
A contradiction…
Criminals revolt me, yet fascinate me.
I hate my body; I always eat chocolate
I despise religion, I revel in its study.
I love sport, but I don’t play a thing.
I have a car, but global warming frightens me.
Commercial fishing should stop, but I still eat seafood.
Buy Australian made, but my cashews are from Vietnam.
I hate war - I love a good argument
I like women - I’ve always had a man
I have good friends - I am not a good one
I am honest - I can lie well
I feel alone - but I sit by myself
I am lazy - but I love my TV
I want to be a success - but I lack self-esteem
I want to go forward - but my shoes are on backwards
I want to go up - but I keep digging deeper
I want to save money - but I spend every penny
I want a job - but I don’t want to work
I love dancing - but I don’t
I love cooking - I can’t be bothered
I say that I will - but I don’t always do
Outwardly I am happy - inwardly I scream
To you, I appear different - to me, I am normal
To you I am normal - to me, I am different.
And this is who I am
I am shy. I am scared. I am the self-conscious one. I have no self-esteem. I let myself down. I am hard on myself. I am not worthy. I don’t deserve. I don’t know how to interact socially. I get scared. No, I am sorry, but I can’t dance with you because I am too self conscious, so please, don’t ask me. What does this look like? Is it okay? Maybe I should wear the other one? Can you see my fat bits? Does my bum look big in this? Who I am kidding, you’re bum looks big in everything. I wish I had longer hair. I wish my nails would grow. I can’t go out looking like this?! I wish I knew what he was saying, just smile and nod, smile and nod. What? Oh, yes. No. Sure. Okay then. Yes great, brilliant conversational skills there, you really had them all sitting on the edge of their seats with those breathtaking answers didn’t you???
Maybe I should go back to my counsellor. She’ll tell me how to behave.
And this is who I am
I am the angry one. I spit out the word hate. I hate what I don’t have, I hate that I hate that I don’t have. I hate his mother, her grandfather, your dad, your child annoys me. I hate that I’m old; hate that you’re young. I hate the world and it’s death and destruction. I hate war and famine, disease and poverty. I hate that I don’t do anything about anything. I hate that you don’t either. I hate that we aren’t all educated. I hate dumbness, stupidity, ignorance, intolerance, indifference, racism, terrorism, homophobia, xenophobia, arachnophobia. I hate that I am not an actor, a singer, a novelist. I hate that I hate…….it’s tiring.
And this is Who I am
I like men and I like women. I like sex. I love sex. I like bodies. Curves. Breasts. Arms. Bums. I like sexuality and sensuality. I like thinking about sex, reading about it, writing about it, doing it. I want to experience sexuality in many of its forms. I want to experience. I want to go places, see things, touch people. I want excitement and pleasure, I want to feel alive, I want space and freedom and honesty. But I want a fairy tale. I want my knight in shining armour to ride upon his horse, decree his undying, unconditional love for me, to sweep me off my feet and ride me off into the sunset. I want romance. I want passion. I want an all consuming love. I want to feel alive. I want space and freedom and honesty. I want love, to be loved, to love.
And this is Who I am
I am the one I haven’t discovered yet. I am the new. I am parts of the old that makes up the whole. I am fresh and exciting, or I am dark and repressed. I am alone, I am filled with friends and love and light and love. I am miserable. I am happy.
I am me, and this is who I am.
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