...talk to but you and I do not even know who you are! Probably better that way, you may have a tendency to judge if you knew me. Judge away...
I come from a small minded town in the upper penisula of Michigan. I was out of school when Nixon "resigned". Forced to keep anything true about me deep down inside I learned the fine art of storytelling. You see when you are forced to protect your essence you cannot imagine the things you have to do. The fear it produced is incomprehensible and the memories it left are ever present.
After leaving school it was easier, in the short run, after leaving town I slowly allowed myself to discover all that I had innately buried. This is still happening; a process that does not have any ending because it is always beginning, do you get that? It just never ends or is always beginning, I am never sure.
...like I am going around the friggin' bend. Loop de loop. I am losing what brain matter I have left. I sit all day. I get my "chores" done, like last night's dinner dishes, as early as 6 am. I awake my partner, who is responsible for us both, with a cold glass of grapefruit juice. While he sips and slowly wakes up, I start the task of dish washing. As I finish he brings that final dirty juice glass, smiles and places it the sink only to start the process all over.
I await his morning ritual watching the morning news, mostly for the weather, anything above 65 degress and he finds it "burning up"; we live in San Francisco, it is never burning up, even when it is hot.
His days are long, often surpassing twelve or more hours. He loves his job and that is a saving grace for he has taken on the responsiblity of me. Me who cannot work because of a childhood injury that has caught up with me sooner then expected, yet surprised by it's ability to stop me painfully in my tracks.
I am lucky, fortunate and grateful that I have someone who loves me so deeply. I have been with him for fourteen years and I have never heard him utter and unkind word about anyone, never. They say all people lie, I know tihs to be false, he has never lied to anyone either. We are a unlikely pair. I hide my vulnerabilty behind a list of bravados, he has no reason to hide anything as he lacks any vulnerablity. He truly is that patience.
He is my rock, the reason why. It has been said that journey's end when lovers meet. I was not looking that Sunday evening when we met and the voice in my left ear said with such soft assurance, "He will never break your heart." and he has not, he has given me heart.
...know what's going on? I seem not to. It has been over five months since I felt the need to peck out thoughts. And I can't think of anything, can you?
Do you ever get scared? I do and always over seemingly little things. Like life and all this work; not the forty hour a week kind, the day to dayness of living. It gets harder as you grow older. As anyone who is aware of passing time understands.
I have to apply for disability and of course they all have advice but all agree hire legal help, how can you hire anything, doesn't that take funds? I don't know it is all so confusing to me. Most days I sit in this ignorant fog looking for bliss.
...on and still trying to make sense of it all. People have been leaving my life in one form or another. Reconnecting with family members that have something in common, it makes it easier to communicate and to feel that familial connection once more.
Like I said, I am still trying to get a clearer insight to the workings behind the workings so to speak, the reasons why, no matter how simple they may be. Just working on understanding the mechanics. Is that removing myself?
...scared. And I do not know what it is that frightens me like a startled child abruptly awakened by some horrible nightmare. I feel all the blood drain from my body when that jagged fear tears through me. Why can't I find my way out of this nightmare, why can't I wake up?
I am already awake, the nightmare and all is happening in real time. Where am I? Why have I disappeared?
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