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I'm stuck in a rut of sorts.
I'm dating someone I don't want to be with.
"Well, why don't you break up with them?", you ask.
Because he threatens to kill himself otherwise.
I am so...upset, is the only word that comes to mind. I have the potential to be so happy with someone (anyone, really) else. Yet I stay with him because if not, I'll have his death on my conscience forever. Of course, there's always the chance he won't do anything. But should I really gamble with someones life?
I'm terrified to find out what would happen.
It's interesting when people say "you can't make someone love you". No, but you can force them to be with you. Isn't that the desired result?
I don't know what to do. I want to move on. I want to let him go. I want to start the next chapter in my life, but he continues to hold me, to drag me down. What can I do?
Seconds are merely a measurement of time. They give a set schedule for something to occur, in a perpetual, specific definition. When someone says "I'll be back in a second", it does not mean they will be back in the allotted time for a second, so muttering "One Mississippi" under one's breath is a waste of time. Aside from the literal sense, a second is a measurement that can be too short or agonizingly long, and right at this given moment, it is in fact agonizing. The heart controls time, because the heart is where we feel emotion the most. When the heart hurts, the time slows to let us feel what it is like to hurt. When the time comes to be happy and excited about something, it never really lasts long enough, so that time is much more appreciated. From that, you can denote what exactly is going through my head right now.
When the heart hurts, it's a different kind of pain altogether. Not a dull pain, or an ache, it's a wrench inside the ribcage that makes the breath forced and the eyes swell. It makes the goose bumps on legs strain to break free, but of course they never will. It continues to the neck, which stays stiff in order to give the illusion that all is well. The teeth begin to get nervous, and become sensitive from the pressure of pushing against their own kind. The ears begin to hear the imaginary dog whistle, and the force behind the retina gives a sensation of utmost discomfort. The brain in itself pounds in rhythm with the aching heart, and as a result, hopelessness reaches the surface, excreted through tears and nails ripping too hard into the hairs on the back of the neck. All this emotion in one single second is dedicated to someone who, under most circumstances, does not deserve it. But who is to decide what that second really is? It's not something that just goes away, but it can disappear slowly, if you're one of the lucky ones. Even when it comes to the moment of the apology, and you hold that one that made you hurt a moment ago in your arms and squeeze them as close as possible to you, there is still that scar that breaks along with the new tear when the moment comes again when your heart feels that familiar tingle.
The conclusion of the heart's fragility has come to a solid understanding that the mind has no control over the overzealous beating and the bruised ribs and the bloodshot eyes. The head screams, "You know it's not worth it, why do you agonize?"
The heart replies, "You do not know what it is to feel the power of human word."
The head argues, "What is it in a heart you find worth this pain you dote upon yourself?"
The heart sobs, "Unanswerable questions and undesirable thoughts only come with abandon."
And so it goes. But in a second, it is gone.
I pray this does not end in shambles.
I've been doing nothing but sleep. Which, apparently, is fine- given my situation.
Now, I tend to dream in very bright, vivid colors. I've always loved the fact that I remember my dreams more than most. My mind comes up with the strangest scenarios, always very visually pleasing and colorful. Since yesterday though, all of my dreams have been in different shades of grey. Nothing particularly sad takes place; it's more like my dreams have had their volume turned down.
This bothers me slightly. Common sense would tell me it's my subconscious reacting to recent trauma, but it still bothers me. When I wake, it's as though some of that grey dream world has transferred into my real life, like a grey filter was put over my eyes. The sun doesn't seem as bright. The sky not as blue. Everything is dimmer.
Of course, this sounds like the early symptoms of depression or something, which it may be.
All I'm saying is...I want my colorful dreams back.
It bothers me that my so called "best friend" had nothing more to say about my abortion today than "good."
He didn't offer a "I'm here if you need anything", even though people who know me through a blogging website did
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I think in colors.
Let me rephrase that; my mood changes the color in my mind's eye. When I'm cool and content, i think in lavenders and eggplants. When I'm livid, it's crimson and fiery oranges. when I'm super happy or loving, bubblegum pink. I've always wondered if others experience this phenomena. if it could even be called that. I love the way i think
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I get really defensive when someone doesn't agree with my opinion on stupid things. I could care less if they don't share my views on politics or religion, but if they say I'm wrong for enjoying skim milk instead of whole, I get really pissy. It makes no sense either, I shouldn't care either way, but I do.
How can I get over that? I'd really like to know. I get self-righteous, and start listing why what I like is better than what they like. Skim is healthier. Whole will make you fat. It's so childish, yet I can't seem to stop myself. Hm.
I've had many blogs, but I'm pretty sure I want to make this one a bit more serious than its predecessors. I want to use this as a creative outlet, get back in tune with my writing abilities. We'll see how this goes.
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