Ambition, Apathy and Anxiety
January 31st 2012 11:30
For as long as I can remember I’ve been looking for the ‘key’ to unlocking my potential. A potential that I’ve believed has been sitting dormant for all these years. And when I’m feeling . . . ‘better’, I feel like I’m on my way and I think that the catalyst that lead to the period of momentum is the ‘key’. I think this right up to the moment that I realise that I have lapsed back into a depressive state and that all the behaviours, like writing, socialising, exercising, that I think will lead to my final ascent to fulfilment are just window dressing. The simple fact of it is I’m just moving forward, I’m an active being and for a while I’m not frozen to the spot by my apathy.
The interesting thing is that when I am at my worst and I am down deep, the one thing that stays with me is my ambition. Although I’m not sure that’s the right word for it and to be honest I am not sure I can think of another word, perhaps hubris, narcissism or bloated self-importance. Whatever it is it stays with me and I am acutely aware that, not only am I making no headway towards achieving any goals or even a solitary aim. My ambition to be ‘somebody’ a respected, even lauded man is constantly being thwarted by complete lack of activity.
It really is such a strange contradiction. All I need is to get moving and achieve small tasks on a daily basis, yet my apathetic gridlock is filled with thoughts of grand achievement that I am nowhere near achieving.
All of this ultimately leads to anxiety and falling deeper. I am aware of the self-absorption and the ticking clock counting down to my demise, at which point, I will realise that I have achieved nothing. Yet I am also aware that I have achieved many things and I have many things to be thankful for. The irony being that all of this just makes me feel more anxiety. I have all these things to do, yet I don’t because of my atrophied will power.
I go to work, I come home, I help with the kids, I go to the football, I read a book, I listen to music but I am filled with anxiety about the fact that I am 40 and I am as stuck as I was when I was a lonely boy ‘orphaned by indifference’1 and wondering why everyone else seemed to get it?
Footnote:
This line is from the movie – ‘I Heart Huckabees’
The interesting thing is that when I am at my worst and I am down deep, the one thing that stays with me is my ambition. Although I’m not sure that’s the right word for it and to be honest I am not sure I can think of another word, perhaps hubris, narcissism or bloated self-importance. Whatever it is it stays with me and I am acutely aware that, not only am I making no headway towards achieving any goals or even a solitary aim. My ambition to be ‘somebody’ a respected, even lauded man is constantly being thwarted by complete lack of activity.
It really is such a strange contradiction. All I need is to get moving and achieve small tasks on a daily basis, yet my apathetic gridlock is filled with thoughts of grand achievement that I am nowhere near achieving.
All of this ultimately leads to anxiety and falling deeper. I am aware of the self-absorption and the ticking clock counting down to my demise, at which point, I will realise that I have achieved nothing. Yet I am also aware that I have achieved many things and I have many things to be thankful for. The irony being that all of this just makes me feel more anxiety. I have all these things to do, yet I don’t because of my atrophied will power.
I go to work, I come home, I help with the kids, I go to the football, I read a book, I listen to music but I am filled with anxiety about the fact that I am 40 and I am as stuck as I was when I was a lonely boy ‘orphaned by indifference’1 and wondering why everyone else seemed to get it?
Footnote:
This line is from the movie – ‘I Heart Huckabees’
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Comment by Nicasio Martinez
Truth - Respect - Decency
I believe all my postings are now open for commenting. Just reviewed them. In terms of friends-- I will settle for commenting buddies. I am interested in starting a Linux support blog with another Orble member. Well this opens the door to keeping in touch.... thanks for sending me the message...../nm
Comment by Nicasio Martinez
Truth - Respect - Decency