It was one of those mornings when you wake up and you think about things and you don’t think about things, and you’ve overslept by four or so hours and you’re feeling a little down and strangely tired and once in a while, there will be a few strands of questions: Isn’t there something better? Should I buy a new shirt? How much time have I wasted?
It took me another hour to wake up. I exercised a little bit. I cleaned my room and my place a little; Devon was coming over with a bottle of wine because I had some good news.
“I had an epiphany,” she told me when she finally arrived in the late evening. “I’m going to grow up.”
“What a strange epiphany.”
“I mean it. I’m going to grow up.” She poured herself some more wine. “Anyway what was your news?”
“I got hired for a full time job.”
Devon didn’t look impressed. “And for which McDonald’s is this?”
“Dickhead. I’ll be working for a marketing agency.”
“Doesn’t that go against everything?”
“They need a creative writer and I need some money.”
We had a few more drinks and spoke a little more about life. I told her that I’ve been speaking to Eva once in a while and she told me not to, that it’s trouble and hurt. Devon walked over to the stereo, browsed through a few of my old CDs, and found a Don McLean album I took from home. I was kind of glad that she did. She played Vincent and we said nothing. She played Empty Chairs and we said nothing. She played And I Love You So and we said nothing.
I finally decided to speak. “So what are you doing next weekend?” And so the conversation and the drinking continued for the rest of the night.
After Eva left I became awfully sick, not because Eva left but because I had eaten something pretty cruel the night before. I vomited and shitted and could barely move; the worst part of it was the night when my skin turned red and I could barely breathe. People kept dropping by, too, for no real reason but to eat my food and talk and laugh and not notice that I was drying.
“Can’t you see I’m sick?” I yelled at Jude, who decided to bring about four guys over for drinks.
“You know,” Jude said, “the best cure for food poisoning is milk.”
“Who told you that?”
“Don’t worry,” he said, “just drink some milk.”
“Really?”
“Yes really.”
I drank some milk and vomited it all out ten minutes later.
What the hell is it with getting sick? Why is it such a pain in the arse? I tried to get better by sweating it all out, so one night I wore three sweaters under three or so blankets and sweated and sweated.
I met Eva in a park in Kelvin Grove, sitting on a bench. She smiled.
“Hi, Dean.”
“Hi, Eva.”
There was a hug, and then a scanning over of each other.
“You look… exactly the same.”
“Shut up.” I touched her hair. “You’ve done something to your hair.”
She looked proud. “You like it? I spent ages trying to get it curled like this.”
I didn’t really know what to do. Eva was there, sitting on a bench in front of me and I didn’t know what to do. Was I supposed to keep standing?
“So how long are you here for?” I decided to ask while standing awkwardly.
“Three days. I was only supposed to be here for one, for Rosaline’s birthday, but I thought I’d see how Mr. Dean is up to… you know, if he was still ticking.”
We walked to my car and after a little bit of arguing, I let her drive. She pulled her car seat forward, adjusted the mirrors and changed the radio station. She giggled about something and reversed the car.
“So is your car in Sydney far better than mine?”
“Of course it is. Mine’s brand new.”
We drove for a long time. We drove around the Valley, we drove around neighbourhoods. I didn’t ask her where she wanted to end because there was simply no time to. Our words simply flowed and flowed and flowed.
“I can always be myself when I’m with you, Dean.”
At a red light she touched my hand but quickly let go. Eva was wearing a short, blue dress and sunglasses and a million accessories. She was offensively beautiful. I put my hand on her leg and made my way upwards as she drove on.
“What’s his name?” I asked her. “This boyfriend of yours.”
“Would you even really care?”
“Of course I would.”
“I broke up with him once, you know, because of a friend. But now…”
“You know what, fuck it I don’t want to hear about him whatsoever.”
“If you want to at least be friends, honey, you wouldn’t get so wrapped up in your own ego.”
We found my home. Eva parked the car and we headed inside.
She quickly flashed me, briefly exposing pink underwear. “You like these? I bought them for two bucks.”
“Loving you has always been difficult.”
We rushed into my home and I tried to show her how things inside my life had changed. But she looked in every corner and made me realise that everything had merely lured dust and more dust. I wrapped my arms around her hips and she did the same with mine. I tried to kiss her but she moved her face away.
“I want to kiss you, for fucks sakes! I want to kiss you forever!”
“You expect that line to always work?” She yelled.
“Well it’s not working right now, is it?”
“What’s with those girls, Dean? Why do you never tell me about those girls?”
“There’s nothing to say. There’s never anything to say.”
“I have to go home. I want to go home. Drive me home.”
“You don’t mean that,” I said.
“You try me, you dick, you try me!”
“Well?” I said. “Didn’t we once promise we’d marry each other?”
“Seriously, baby. If there was such a thing as love then nobody would need to pray for heaven.”
I chased her around my world and she giggled as if nothing. I held her hand and she let me. I brought her closer and she let me go, I brought her closer again and she let me go again. I once told her about the nights I couldn’t sleep because of her. She once told me about the nights she’d dream of me.
“You always promise me you’ll move to Sydney, but you never do.”
“You always promise me a lot of things, too.”
“Yeah, like what?”
I didn’t say anything.
She led me to my bed and I thought I’d become a truly happy man.
“Remember that book we half-read together? That Hemingway book?”
“The Sun Also Rises. What about it?”
There was silence.
“I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done,” I said rather sadly.
We were lying down, sideways. Eva scanned my face over and tapped her thumb all over my lips. “If I kiss you again, things will only turn for the worst.” She pulled my bottom lip a little. “Why are things always like this?”
“I blame the fat people.”
There was more silence.
“You’ll get published one day, honey,” Eva eventually whispered in my ear, and at that I hated myself. Eva was the girl who saw my biggest failures. She was there when I entered competitions and lost them all. She was there when I’d been interviewed and rejected. She was there when I lost things, ruined things, when I lied the most. The first time I kissed her was in my car. She was wearing a black t-shirt and a pink bra and once in a while we both caught each other opening our eyes.
Who was the bad kisser just then, I asked, was it you, or me, or a bit of the both of us?
If there ever was a moment where I could come back in time to change things, it would be then, during that first kiss, underneath that spotlight in my car as the two of us still trusted each other.
Eva didn’t stay the night. I drove her back to her friend’s house and gave her one more hug before letting her go.
Dear Brisbane. Life has become scattered lately. I ended up in the Valley with a few friends from high school, drinking, talking, not listening. We went to a night club that used to be a church; “I need a drink,” my friend kept saying, “just one more drink and I’ll be able to talk to chicks easier.” We found a seat and watched these two girls intimately dancing with each other. We watched them for a good ten minutes
As the title of this post implies, I had a picnic in the dust storm with two people I met at the Brisbane Writer’s Festival. For those of you who don’t know, Brisbane was hit by a sandstorm yesterday, blanketing everything pretty much yellow. I woke up and saw something like this:
In my experience, the same can also be said about women. I've always been the most heartbroken over the ones who were never as possessive, the ones who cared the least. I've written the most love letters to the ones who've never written back!
Hahaha. If you haven't already heard, the dust storm came back again on Saturday night. I was driving to a friend's place from the city; I had to keep my windows shut and the aircon off to stop any dust from coming in. It was incredibly hot. It was the longest drive of my life.
Patricia! Shit! I wrote you a comment but for some reason it wasn't posted!
Anyway, I was just thanking you for visiting my site and for agreeing with me, as I don't get agreements too often
Yes, I decided to end my journey with words from a Japanese Englishman. I suppose it's hard to separate holidays from just being holidays - we can't escape ourselves and our routines forever.
I'm still yet to see Hong Kong. I have a feeling I'll be visiting it within the next few years!
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Comment by Always Eighteen
on WILDERNESS looks wild!
Always Eighteen