"all child molestors should just be........(fill in the blank with your own ignorance and fear)
September 2nd 2011 23:20
Tranforming Trauma by Anna Salter- The book was recommended by my therapist. I resisted it. It was scary. What if learning about childhood trauma just made me feel even more guilty, more ashamed, more afraid? Would it help me or just make things worse? I still don't know the answers to those questions completely but I do know that there is tremendous insight in her research and great comfort in her approach to both offenders and their victims.
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I wonder if all the people who say things like "child molesters should all just be....." (fill in the blank) realize the impact those words have on victims, abusers and their own safety? I am sure they don't. I have tried for years to tell them. Finally. Finally. I see it in writing from someone people should listen to. I hope they do. I hope they realize that by making such broad statements, they effectively eliminate the possibility that anyone in their lives could be a molestor. They would never entertain the thought of 'all child molesters should just be.....' if it applied to grandpa, uncle, pastor, doctor, coach, choir director, cop....etc. It means that they would never even consider the danger those people present to their children. It means that they would be resistant to accusations of abuse and even 'write off' or ignore signs that would normally raise their hackles. It means the victim will fear the repercussions of telling on someone who is important or a friend. It means the abuser can use the statements you make against your own child. "If you tell, your dad said he would kill anyone who did this, so your dad will go to jail." The predators know this. THEY KNOW. They become your friends, your cops, your pastors, your youth group leaders, your choir directors, coaches, teachers, even therapists. They are nice, have manners, take care of people and make sure to never look like 'one of those kind of people'. No field is 'safe' from their exploitation. No child either.
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Unless we are willing to confront the issue and take charge of the people and situations in our kid's lives, the predators will continue to prey on them without concern. For every molestor caught, 10 go undetected. For every offense they are charged with, hundreds went undetected. Everyone is surprised to find out it is the mayor, judge, librarian, etc. They never even considered that someone who preyed on children would seek positions in which they would have trust and access. How could we be so ignorant? I was so careful where my kids went, but even that could not prevent abuse, it just lessens the liklihood.
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We must see each person in our lives as innocent until proven guilty, but then seek to make sure they aren't 'guilty'. Instead we judge by position, authority and personality and the statistics show we suck at predicting them. A sheriff's deputy, a mill worker, a new and young father/husband. They were a close family friend, a stranger who needed a helping hand, and a young parent who needed a break for him and his wife and couldn't afford a babysitter. Each charming, helpful, considerate and kind. Not one 'looked like a molestor'. Yet each one was. They were mine.
-
I still struggle minute by minute with the memories, flashbacks, 'bads', fears, regrets, guilt, shame,.....The list is endless. What if he was right? What if it was my fault? What if I had just....? What will people think? Who would they believe? Why didn't I feel safe enough to tell? Why didn't anyone believe me when I did? If, Why, If, Why, If, Why..... for 38 years...... seems like forever.
-
Until now. I am trying to change my habits. I am learning that my whole personality and almost every choice I make is based on fear. I make sure I am loved, needed, respected, etc at every place I go. I need to help any child or teen that I can. I need to speak the truth, bluntly and boldly and sometimes even viciously. Why? i have been wondering. There are two reasons that keep flooding my mind. One, to prove to myself that I am a good human being and should be loved. Two, to make sure people will believe me when it happens again. Always 'when' not 'if'.
Since losing the weight two years ago, I have struggled with safety and desires to eat again. The fat helped. The food comforted. But the pain and fear remained. I needed this book. I need this therapy. I will need friends. Right now, I just need hope. Thank you Anna for giving me just a little hope.
-
Excerpts:
-
foreword: "Transforming Trauma is an aptly named book. By taking us into the dark side of offenders, beyond our bright, collective idealism, and by acknowledging the footprints such offenses leave on the untrammeled innocence of children and in our own wishful naivete, Dr. Salter helps tranform unutterable horror into a source for enlightenment. By defining the smelter of entrapment, she forges new keys to release.
-
Anna: The proven child molesters are not so hideous and cunning that we dare not confront them. They are a ragtag band of opportunists who we either continue to help hide in the deliberate ignorance they help to sustain or we can work with them to allow us to find the missing pieces that could blow their cover and maybe even stop the cycle. Refusing to look at the problem does not make it go away.
-
Anna: Inevitably, studying sex offenders and the havoc they wreak, diminishes ones own sense of safety in the world. But it also increases the sense of awe. The starfish is not the only creature that can grow new limbs. The human capacity for recovery is astounding. When people ask (endlessly) how I can do this work, the answer is that most clinicians are fascinated by transformation and change. We hear of death, but we get to see new life.
-
I wonder if all the people who say things like "child molesters should all just be....." (fill in the blank) realize the impact those words have on victims, abusers and their own safety? I am sure they don't. I have tried for years to tell them. Finally. Finally. I see it in writing from someone people should listen to. I hope they do. I hope they realize that by making such broad statements, they effectively eliminate the possibility that anyone in their lives could be a molestor. They would never entertain the thought of 'all child molesters should just be.....' if it applied to grandpa, uncle, pastor, doctor, coach, choir director, cop....etc. It means that they would never even consider the danger those people present to their children. It means that they would be resistant to accusations of abuse and even 'write off' or ignore signs that would normally raise their hackles. It means the victim will fear the repercussions of telling on someone who is important or a friend. It means the abuser can use the statements you make against your own child. "If you tell, your dad said he would kill anyone who did this, so your dad will go to jail." The predators know this. THEY KNOW. They become your friends, your cops, your pastors, your youth group leaders, your choir directors, coaches, teachers, even therapists. They are nice, have manners, take care of people and make sure to never look like 'one of those kind of people'. No field is 'safe' from their exploitation. No child either.
-
Unless we are willing to confront the issue and take charge of the people and situations in our kid's lives, the predators will continue to prey on them without concern. For every molestor caught, 10 go undetected. For every offense they are charged with, hundreds went undetected. Everyone is surprised to find out it is the mayor, judge, librarian, etc. They never even considered that someone who preyed on children would seek positions in which they would have trust and access. How could we be so ignorant? I was so careful where my kids went, but even that could not prevent abuse, it just lessens the liklihood.
-
We must see each person in our lives as innocent until proven guilty, but then seek to make sure they aren't 'guilty'. Instead we judge by position, authority and personality and the statistics show we suck at predicting them. A sheriff's deputy, a mill worker, a new and young father/husband. They were a close family friend, a stranger who needed a helping hand, and a young parent who needed a break for him and his wife and couldn't afford a babysitter. Each charming, helpful, considerate and kind. Not one 'looked like a molestor'. Yet each one was. They were mine.
-
I still struggle minute by minute with the memories, flashbacks, 'bads', fears, regrets, guilt, shame,.....The list is endless. What if he was right? What if it was my fault? What if I had just....? What will people think? Who would they believe? Why didn't I feel safe enough to tell? Why didn't anyone believe me when I did? If, Why, If, Why, If, Why..... for 38 years...... seems like forever.
-
Until now. I am trying to change my habits. I am learning that my whole personality and almost every choice I make is based on fear. I make sure I am loved, needed, respected, etc at every place I go. I need to help any child or teen that I can. I need to speak the truth, bluntly and boldly and sometimes even viciously. Why? i have been wondering. There are two reasons that keep flooding my mind. One, to prove to myself that I am a good human being and should be loved. Two, to make sure people will believe me when it happens again. Always 'when' not 'if'.
Since losing the weight two years ago, I have struggled with safety and desires to eat again. The fat helped. The food comforted. But the pain and fear remained. I needed this book. I need this therapy. I will need friends. Right now, I just need hope. Thank you Anna for giving me just a little hope.
-
Excerpts:
-
foreword: "Transforming Trauma is an aptly named book. By taking us into the dark side of offenders, beyond our bright, collective idealism, and by acknowledging the footprints such offenses leave on the untrammeled innocence of children and in our own wishful naivete, Dr. Salter helps tranform unutterable horror into a source for enlightenment. By defining the smelter of entrapment, she forges new keys to release.
-
Anna: The proven child molesters are not so hideous and cunning that we dare not confront them. They are a ragtag band of opportunists who we either continue to help hide in the deliberate ignorance they help to sustain or we can work with them to allow us to find the missing pieces that could blow their cover and maybe even stop the cycle. Refusing to look at the problem does not make it go away.
-
Anna: Inevitably, studying sex offenders and the havoc they wreak, diminishes ones own sense of safety in the world. But it also increases the sense of awe. The starfish is not the only creature that can grow new limbs. The human capacity for recovery is astounding. When people ask (endlessly) how I can do this work, the answer is that most clinicians are fascinated by transformation and change. We hear of death, but we get to see new life.
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