pieceofmymindAccepting The Unthinkable
May 19th 2007 17:39
Yesterday was a rough day. That’s probably why I am posting today instead of last night. The morning started out with problems. When I arrived, I went into my grandmother’s room like normal to greet her, but when I hugged her, she complained of pain. I felt bad because I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I was also surprised by that because she hadn’t mentioned any pain the day before. So I gave her all of her normal medications, a pain pill, and a cigarette, of course.
Four hours later, she was complaining of pain again, and although she was trying to act like it wasn’t that bad, I could tell that the pain was severe. She was in so much pain she could barely move around in bed and that was difficult to see. Anyway, she sat up for a few minutes, and we talked. Her conversation can be about almost anything now. Sometimes it seems like she is really talking to me, but then she goes off to another place, and some of the things she says make no sense at all. Since we are a family that has always kept humor in everything, it makes it easier sometimes. Some of the things she says are funny, like the other day when my mother asked her what her name was, and she said her name was “Bad Ass Candy”, that was hilarious. My mom and I both laughed at that, and whenever we start laughing, my grandmother does too; in some weird way, it is almost therapeutic because it is like we are sharing something.
When her hospice nurse visited yesterday, she talked to us and told us that based on her current condition and progress, she may be with us for another few weeks. Can you believe that? I’m telling you, I feel like I am in a bad movie, or like I am on the outside of somebody else’s life looking in. This is one of those things that you usually see happening on television, or hear happening to the people you know…I can’t believe that our family is going through this. Oh well, no matter what I say or do, unfortunately there is no detour through this part of my life.
The nurse gave us permission to start administering morphine liquid by mouth every four hours. She told us that we should do this instead of just giving random pain pills because the pain can come back with a vengeance once the pills stop working. I was the first to have to do this. It was really easy; all I had to do was draw the liquid into a syringe (one with an opening on the end instead of a needle), and push it out under my grandmother’s tongue. It was so easy to do, but it made me so sad and I really am having a hard time trying to figure out why. I guess I just never thought I would have to do something like that.
Now my grandmother has stopped eating the little that she was trying to eat. She really is not drinking too much either. Her lips are very chapped, so I gave her my Blistex roll-on…I always tell her that I am putting on her “sexy lipstick”, she thinks that is so funny. She asked me last night why her lips were chapping. She asks a lot of questions, like what day it is, what time it is…she also asks me what she has been doing since she can’t remember anything. For a moment yesterday, she didn’t know who her daughter was (my mom); that made me really sad and it scared me.
Mentally, I know that I am not going to have a breakdown or anything, but I am sad about this. Hospice is great, but there is no preparation for the loss of someone you love. I have been doing crazy stuff like misplacing my purse and my house phone. I am in school and I am so disconnected from that it is crazy. It’s like I have so much on my mind, but there is really only one thing on my mind. I don’t know what it is; I guess I just thought I was stronger than this. I am sadder than I thought I would be, and she is still with us. I don’t know how I will be when she is gone. She did ask me something really weird yesterday. I am studying web programming and development, and I was trying to tell her a little about it yesterday. So she asked me if I wanted to, could I put a story in the Internet about her; I told her I could, but imagine that...I already have, but I don’t know if I should tell her about my blog.
Four hours later, she was complaining of pain again, and although she was trying to act like it wasn’t that bad, I could tell that the pain was severe. She was in so much pain she could barely move around in bed and that was difficult to see. Anyway, she sat up for a few minutes, and we talked. Her conversation can be about almost anything now. Sometimes it seems like she is really talking to me, but then she goes off to another place, and some of the things she says make no sense at all. Since we are a family that has always kept humor in everything, it makes it easier sometimes. Some of the things she says are funny, like the other day when my mother asked her what her name was, and she said her name was “Bad Ass Candy”, that was hilarious. My mom and I both laughed at that, and whenever we start laughing, my grandmother does too; in some weird way, it is almost therapeutic because it is like we are sharing something.
When her hospice nurse visited yesterday, she talked to us and told us that based on her current condition and progress, she may be with us for another few weeks. Can you believe that? I’m telling you, I feel like I am in a bad movie, or like I am on the outside of somebody else’s life looking in. This is one of those things that you usually see happening on television, or hear happening to the people you know…I can’t believe that our family is going through this. Oh well, no matter what I say or do, unfortunately there is no detour through this part of my life.
The nurse gave us permission to start administering morphine liquid by mouth every four hours. She told us that we should do this instead of just giving random pain pills because the pain can come back with a vengeance once the pills stop working. I was the first to have to do this. It was really easy; all I had to do was draw the liquid into a syringe (one with an opening on the end instead of a needle), and push it out under my grandmother’s tongue. It was so easy to do, but it made me so sad and I really am having a hard time trying to figure out why. I guess I just never thought I would have to do something like that.
Now my grandmother has stopped eating the little that she was trying to eat. She really is not drinking too much either. Her lips are very chapped, so I gave her my Blistex roll-on…I always tell her that I am putting on her “sexy lipstick”, she thinks that is so funny. She asked me last night why her lips were chapping. She asks a lot of questions, like what day it is, what time it is…she also asks me what she has been doing since she can’t remember anything. For a moment yesterday, she didn’t know who her daughter was (my mom); that made me really sad and it scared me.
Mentally, I know that I am not going to have a breakdown or anything, but I am sad about this. Hospice is great, but there is no preparation for the loss of someone you love. I have been doing crazy stuff like misplacing my purse and my house phone. I am in school and I am so disconnected from that it is crazy. It’s like I have so much on my mind, but there is really only one thing on my mind. I don’t know what it is; I guess I just thought I was stronger than this. I am sadder than I thought I would be, and she is still with us. I don’t know how I will be when she is gone. She did ask me something really weird yesterday. I am studying web programming and development, and I was trying to tell her a little about it yesterday. So she asked me if I wanted to, could I put a story in the Internet about her; I told her I could, but imagine that...I already have, but I don’t know if I should tell her about my blog.
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