pieceofmymindA Weird, Quiet Day With Grandma
May 18th 2007 02:11
Today at my grandmother’s house was weird because it was one of those days where it was almost totally quiet. The phone didn’t really ring, and no one visited. It was just me and her. I usually set up my laptop when I get there in the mornings, and the chair I sit in is right across from her bedroom, so literally, all I have to do is look over, and I can see her sleeping. I felt like I was losing my mind because I started to observe her breathing pattern, and it looked to me as if she wasn’t breathing. So then I became “psycho” grand-daughter and just kept looking over to be sure she was still with me. I did some research on the Internet to find information on the stages of cancer, death, and dying. I learned that it is not uncommon for someone in her condition to have long pauses in breathing and overall irregular breathing patterns. Talking to one of her hospice nurses over the phone also confirmed this for me, so I was able to make it through the day, but that doesn’t mean that I stopped looking.
When I got there at like six o’clock this morning, she was trying to get up and clean herself up so that she wouldn’t have to “burden” me throughout the day; she sees me working on my laptop and thinks that my work is so important that it is an “interruption” if she needs my help. I would be lying if I said that this situation doesn’t make my life seem like it is in total disarray, but given the circumstances, I honestly don’t think that I would rather be anyplace else. I explained to my grandmother that she was not a burden to me, and that I was there to help her. I told her that she should always let me know if she needed anything, so after that, she decided against getting up; now she wanted to take a couple puffs of a cigarette.
Her washing up would have been easier because I am totally against her smoking, but how in the world can I even try to debate with my grandmother about this subject at this time? She could very well be lying on her death bed – do I have that right? No, I don’t. I mean, hospice care is all about making sure that your loved ones are comfortable during this time, so even though it really sucks that this is what she wanted, I went to her drawer and dug out her cigarette case. Normally, she would have the cigarette case in her possession, but on Monday, she tried to light and smoke a cigarette for herself, and I swear she didn’t even know she had it in her mouth. When she finally realized that she did, she went to grab it from the end that was burning, so now we have to light them for her, and pretty much watch her every move. When she finished, she was trying to get settled into the bed to lie down and she really looked like she was having a hard time, so I asked if she was in any pain. For the first time, she let me know that she was hurting all over her body, so I gave her all of her morning medications (not as many as usual because her head hospice nurse believes that she is not going to get better, so she took her off of her vitamins and her potassium to avoid possibly upsetting her stomach or causing internal bleeding) and this time, I also gave her an acetaminophen pill with codeine. We don’t know how long her pain will be minimal, but if it gets worse, we do have liquid morphine for her as well.
Around ten o’clock, my mother stopped by on her break, and my grandmother woke up for a while. She asked for her morning bagel and coffee, which was great, but of course she was only able to eat a few bites. I had to stand there and hold the coffee cup up to her mouth because she is so weak and shaky. So after she finished with that, she went back to sleep, and I didn’t talk to her anymore until about five this evening when I got ready to come home – yes, I did watch her breathing pretty much all day long.
Before I left, her hospice nurse (the one that usually comes by everyday) came by for a visit. She had actually been on vacation since last week, and hadn’t seen my grandmother since she had taken a turn for the worst. The nurse came in and knelt down beside my grandmother’s bed, and she looked like she was about to start crying. I had to hurry up and look away because it felt like those tears I had been missing were about to flood. Anyway, my mother made it in after work, and I went to say goodbye to my grandmother. She told me that she thanks God for me. She said that I had been there all day and that it was time for me to go home and see what was going on in my own house. I hugged her, told her I loved her, and that I would see her in the morning. Then I just had to hug her again because I felt like I didn’t even want to let her go the first time. Then those tears finally came. Remember when I said I didn’t want her to see me crying? Well, she looked right at me as those tears were coming down, but she couldn’t even see them.
I have never in my life seen a person sleep as much as my grandmother is sleeping, unless they were unconscious. I am amazed at what this cancer is doing to her body.
When I got there at like six o’clock this morning, she was trying to get up and clean herself up so that she wouldn’t have to “burden” me throughout the day; she sees me working on my laptop and thinks that my work is so important that it is an “interruption” if she needs my help. I would be lying if I said that this situation doesn’t make my life seem like it is in total disarray, but given the circumstances, I honestly don’t think that I would rather be anyplace else. I explained to my grandmother that she was not a burden to me, and that I was there to help her. I told her that she should always let me know if she needed anything, so after that, she decided against getting up; now she wanted to take a couple puffs of a cigarette.
Her washing up would have been easier because I am totally against her smoking, but how in the world can I even try to debate with my grandmother about this subject at this time? She could very well be lying on her death bed – do I have that right? No, I don’t. I mean, hospice care is all about making sure that your loved ones are comfortable during this time, so even though it really sucks that this is what she wanted, I went to her drawer and dug out her cigarette case. Normally, she would have the cigarette case in her possession, but on Monday, she tried to light and smoke a cigarette for herself, and I swear she didn’t even know she had it in her mouth. When she finally realized that she did, she went to grab it from the end that was burning, so now we have to light them for her, and pretty much watch her every move. When she finished, she was trying to get settled into the bed to lie down and she really looked like she was having a hard time, so I asked if she was in any pain. For the first time, she let me know that she was hurting all over her body, so I gave her all of her morning medications (not as many as usual because her head hospice nurse believes that she is not going to get better, so she took her off of her vitamins and her potassium to avoid possibly upsetting her stomach or causing internal bleeding) and this time, I also gave her an acetaminophen pill with codeine. We don’t know how long her pain will be minimal, but if it gets worse, we do have liquid morphine for her as well.
Around ten o’clock, my mother stopped by on her break, and my grandmother woke up for a while. She asked for her morning bagel and coffee, which was great, but of course she was only able to eat a few bites. I had to stand there and hold the coffee cup up to her mouth because she is so weak and shaky. So after she finished with that, she went back to sleep, and I didn’t talk to her anymore until about five this evening when I got ready to come home – yes, I did watch her breathing pretty much all day long.
Before I left, her hospice nurse (the one that usually comes by everyday) came by for a visit. She had actually been on vacation since last week, and hadn’t seen my grandmother since she had taken a turn for the worst. The nurse came in and knelt down beside my grandmother’s bed, and she looked like she was about to start crying. I had to hurry up and look away because it felt like those tears I had been missing were about to flood. Anyway, my mother made it in after work, and I went to say goodbye to my grandmother. She told me that she thanks God for me. She said that I had been there all day and that it was time for me to go home and see what was going on in my own house. I hugged her, told her I loved her, and that I would see her in the morning. Then I just had to hug her again because I felt like I didn’t even want to let her go the first time. Then those tears finally came. Remember when I said I didn’t want her to see me crying? Well, she looked right at me as those tears were coming down, but she couldn’t even see them.
I have never in my life seen a person sleep as much as my grandmother is sleeping, unless they were unconscious. I am amazed at what this cancer is doing to her body.
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