A Fantasy Fly On The Wall
As I woke up this morning in a clear fog, I felt as though I have been sleeping for some 30 odd years. I didn't simply wake up from a sound sleep, dramatic dream or numerous nightmares, I came alive within my internal self for some apparent reason. Maybe it is the freedom, being away from the pressures, my surroundings or simply just time, but this day has been documented as a moment I will never forget. I will proudly and humbly admit to you and the world that you came to my mind in this rise from below, which is why I am both writing and sending it to you, with all due respect. My thoughts and images were not set on sex or seduction, but in a mind frame that featured sensuality and stimulation. There was nothing passionate, but passion fueled the force that found this feeling of fidelity inside my faithful and feeble mind. There was nothing personally romantic attached to these thoughts, but romance, the romance of life danced gracefully to the beat of beautiful sounds and rhythms around the moment created and already in place. Now was it a sign or my calling to the throne I once seen as utopia, I don't think so, but there was a place for me to sit and rest my tired legs that throbbed like my swollen worn feet, that has traveled the world many times over in search for the unknown. Maybe I was unwilling to submit to this force before, or that I was not in a position to understand it, but I'm finding that my many realms and levels of understanding things are tempting me to come out of character and develop something of more substance to be who I really am, not who I want to be. The temptation to better a great situation is not a challenge, but an effort in boredom which manufactures defeat in a justifiable way is what seems obvious and needed. I'm in a place that many selfishly keep to themselves, and also a place many don't know is even possible. All I can think about is giving and providing, not accepting or taking. The music in the background is more in the forefront. The colors seem more brighter and my focus more defined. It’s like I'm not standing in lust, but falling in love. In love with life and living it for the first time.
I feel somewhat cheated and then blessed to have discovered this state of being. I am still trying to discover or uncover the reasons I get one line answers when I pour out my heart in multi page theories or excerpts of my book, and long for the unknown answers in droves unconditionally from strangers wanting something more, and friends needing something less. To simply feel this type of emotion that I can not describe is both wonderful and frightening. I'm propelled to define it, but not educated enough to understand what form of expression or diction to use in doing so. The labels, stereotypes, titles and placements, have given me a place in the box, and since I live outside of it, am struggling to decide which place is home, and which is merely a house. But I want to share this feeling. Share it like a wino does his beverage of choice, and force it unconditionally to those that deny this state of being. I want to take you, and selfishly share you with others, so they can understand what I have all to myself. It feels so good that it hurts deeper than the sky above. My imagination is both limited and limitless, because what I want to do is everything, but to who purely isolated down to one. I want to be the fly on the wall, watching your every thought, so that each fantasy you have, can become a reality. To have you realize your standards have changed, and the only constant is the reason it is changing, me. To not just look at me or view me, but see me as a reflection of you. For you are my fantasy, and this letter the fly on the wall, watching every move I make within these words. How can I explain this. How can you understand this when I can't define what I feeling? Its like a two sided sword, and it points straight to you, my fantasy woman.
Now multiplying such a force, brings a better understanding to what little amount I have previously represented. For what I have concluded in my awakening, and this euphoric feeling of living, not just being alive, is I come from the same place many others do, and it’s all about timing not just the time. My time that's is so valuable, has been measured with numbers, but the numerals that do go on forever, is not my destiny, just fate and fact. But you came to mind. I thought of you, our talks, why we spoke, what about and how it makes and made me feel before, during and in the aftermath. Are you the one for me, who knows. I have a problem picking out which suit I'm going to wear each day, so who am I to say who is what, and my way is right or wrong. But you came to mind. Not just parts of you, but an image in what I hope you are and are to be as a whole. I thought about you on my arm in public. In my arms in bed, and feel I am strong enough to carry you. I thought about your smile, and how I don't ever want to see you frown, so learning more about you is now the priority in my life. I'm wondering if I really physically turn you on, have mentally turned you out or simply have just been turning your head with mixed emotions from side to side. I'm wondering how you smell, taste and what makes you quiver and have multiple orgasms with out physically touching you. I'm wondering if you really know or have an understanding on how powerful I am, while also wondering if you know how weak I feel when I think of you. How we met, where at, under the circumstances and more on the many that have traveled in these same footsteps. How I came to meet you by chance, and there are many other places I could have been, and many other people I could be writing this to or you hearing it from. But I'm thinking about you, all of what I don't know, because what I do, has brought on this letter. It has brought on pieces of what I do and I am elated. I'm wondering how many times I cross your mind, and why you don't call me more. I'm wondering why you don't let yourself go because you're the one stopping feeling like this. I'm wondering if you have ever really loved or been loved, or is this new feeling something old you never thought would find you. Find you because you've been lost, and didn't know how to discover such a journey because you've been traveling in the past. To the point where you will sacrifice all you stand for to understand what you will get in the end was worth it, and not a sacrifice at all, but a blessing. Wondering if you are investing your all, or part of it to want more or less of what you deserve and don't deserve. Do you understand that I can change your life because you've changed mine, and I can have you so comfortable that you forget about your needs, and concentrate on mine. For to do that and make me happy, would in turn, provide more happiness for you because I will now feel this feeling and want to make you feel it even more and keep giving it to you. I wonder if you understand that it won't be my nine inch cock, the sweat pouring off my sensitive chest or rotating tongue that makes you scream and beg for more. But my five inch heart with warm blood flowing through it and my limitless imagination that has you silent and wanting to give more of you to only get it back yourself. I wonder if you understand that no matter what you say to will be okay. Your honesty and freedom to say and display the difficult to me, shows me that you are willing to trust that I won't judge or label you. How know matter how nasty or kinky, how obscene or pure, with me or whom ever, the mere fact that you can share with me your thoughts, builds a bond and trust that will never allow secrets to enter into our world. To know my secrets and to share yours, makes each day of our life an open book to each other. Because if I know your thoughts, secrets and fantasies, I can help you obtain them and help complete your reason for living, not just surviving. Its not just about us being lovers, partners or anything cosmetic. It’s about having a partner in this world that you can share your highs and lows with, to find that medium we all operate on. But today or should I say this morning, I simply thought of you and I'm trying to explain my thoughts.
So as I embark on returning to my homeland, and area of comfortable surroundings, my assessment on what it means to me and me to it has changed. I can't look at things the same anymore, but I have changed. At least for this moment, I have changed, and you changed me. I can't even eat cause I'm hungry for something that's not on any menu. I am more humble to the powers I have to make a difference, and more closer to those that I have kept at a distance. I want so much to assist and help, but need to allow those exact things to do the same for and to me. I once thought I was living an unconditional life and pouring out my soul to hopefully have it refilled. Now I realize I was desperately searching for some sort of approval for my arrival, or place in mankind for acceptance and understanding. I have seen the light, and only was able to in the darkness I selfishly provided. It is you that I want to share this moment with, and thank you for whatever level of participation you have contributed in supporting these discoveries. As easy as we could be friends, we could be enemies. As easy as me being black and of African descent, I could be something else not knowing who I am. As easy as I am physically writing to you, you could be mentally reading to me or someone else. As I am in a luxurious suite over looking the wonders of the world, I could be homeless wondering where my next meal will be coming from. As I write and recite these thoughts, I could have no one to share them with and debate my sanity in thinking such things. Like many, I've asked God to deliver me someone I can be myself with and talk about any and everything under the sun with. I have promised to myself and friends that I would do anything to have someone share with me their soul and heart, but what am I willing to do to get that. I swore that I didn't care how they looked, as long as they treat me like the person I want to be. I wonder if I found this person, would I treat them like all that came before them, or would I acknowledge the uniqueness and follow through with my promise. I wonder if they would beg to a stranger to include them in their life, or would they beg for their death from someone they know. If they realized that tomorrow is not promised, and if they are waiting for tomorrow to say what they feel today. If they would understand where they are now with me, and where they would be without me. If we would die for something or someone that is making life worth living. Would they give up everything to gain more with someone else. Would they swallow their pride to be proud know matter how it taste. This mind trip has been rewarding and thank you for giving and doing what you did, the absence or attendance spawned things I am just now discovering or simply finding out in the rude awakening I had this morning with you in mind. And one day I will be able to explain it to my fantasy woman, as she sits like a fly on the wall -
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