5 Reasons to Sue Dan Brown
May 1st 2006 06:09
A sigh of relief, commuters are finally forsaking their The Da Vinci Codes in favour of MX Newspapers. The drama still lingers, unfortunately. There is only one travesty as appalling as Dan Brown getting a publishing contract: Dan Brown getting sued by his evil professor antagonist. Having achieved poorer sales figures, the authors of The Holy Blood and The Holy Grail; Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, have initiated a law suit against Random House. However it’s not for the crime of exposing us all to Dan’s potato-chip of a book, but on the claim that the foundation of Mr Brown’s literary phenomenon was a direct derivative of their groundbreaking research. You see, Baigent, Leigh, and Lincoln (who wisely abstained from this circus act), two decades ago discovered that Jesus Christ married Mary Magdalene and had Merovingian babies. In an act of negligence, Dan Brown forgot to pay them $50 million to use their astute observations in his sensational paperback. But we all know the real reason behind the law suit. Dan Brown had altered the letters of their names and created Leigh Teabing, a painful stereotype of “Old British Academic” as the villainous doer of evil deeds. This blasphemous act of name teasing would have constituted as playground bullying in primary school, so naturally, they dobbed on him.
Five reasons to sue Dan Brown:
1. Many readers have suffered mild mental retardation after being exposed to phrases such as “the seventy-six-year-old man heaved the masterpiece toward himself”, “the curator froze, turning his head slowly”, and “gunned the car”.
2. His sophisticated grasp in the English language made him enough money to lose every law suit filed against him and still feed a small colony of pygmies.
3. His heroine Sophie was an anagram of my late goldfish Poshie. This blatant extraction is apparent from the parallels in their mental capacity and substance in dialogue. Poshie has her rights!
4. Priory of Sion members reported emotional trauma as descriptions of their Saturday Night Gang Bang was explicitly exposed to the unsuspecting public.
5. He gunned the car, again.
My conscience requires me to confess that I have not only read The Da Vinci Code, but Angels and Demons afterwards. I am reluctant to admit that I felt slight pangs of excitement as its pace carried me to the last page. What astounds me however, are the overwhelming sensationalism of this mediocrity and the vultures of greed that ensued. There has been some rigorous Brownie licking, as sales again boosted for not only Brown but also for Leigh and Baigent. This also comes just in time for the release of the Sony Pictures production of The Da Vinci Code. I don’t want to start any conspiracy theories, but the crater in Tom Hanks’ acting talent looks suspiciously like the Grail….
Five reasons to sue Dan Brown:
1. Many readers have suffered mild mental retardation after being exposed to phrases such as “the seventy-six-year-old man heaved the masterpiece toward himself”, “the curator froze, turning his head slowly”, and “gunned the car”.
2. His sophisticated grasp in the English language made him enough money to lose every law suit filed against him and still feed a small colony of pygmies.
3. His heroine Sophie was an anagram of my late goldfish Poshie. This blatant extraction is apparent from the parallels in their mental capacity and substance in dialogue. Poshie has her rights!
4. Priory of Sion members reported emotional trauma as descriptions of their Saturday Night Gang Bang was explicitly exposed to the unsuspecting public.
5. He gunned the car, again.
My conscience requires me to confess that I have not only read The Da Vinci Code, but Angels and Demons afterwards. I am reluctant to admit that I felt slight pangs of excitement as its pace carried me to the last page. What astounds me however, are the overwhelming sensationalism of this mediocrity and the vultures of greed that ensued. There has been some rigorous Brownie licking, as sales again boosted for not only Brown but also for Leigh and Baigent. This also comes just in time for the release of the Sony Pictures production of The Da Vinci Code. I don’t want to start any conspiracy theories, but the crater in Tom Hanks’ acting talent looks suspiciously like the Grail….
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