5 of the Worst Movies in Recent Memory
September 11th 2008 00:19
5 of the Worst Movies in Recent Memory
written by: John Darko
Sometimes, I'll flip over the cover and skim the synopsis; in hopes to see if the story might strike an interest. On stranger afternoon's, I'll stroll in wearing my pajamas, close my eyes and grab a new release...but the majority of the time, I'll just pick up something familiar - or - commercially viable. Because sometimes I just don't have the energy and I know that I can also be overly indecisive.
So, here are five flicks I urge you to stay away from, no matter how shiny that DVD cover may seem to be.
**********
Doomsday
Director: Neil Marshall Genre: Action/Adventure
Theatrical Release Date: March 14, 2008
Plot: A futuristic action thriller where a team of people work to prevent a disaster threatening the future of the human race.
Now here's a classic case of good director turned bad. Neil Marshall everyone, directed The Descent. Not a great film but it was good for what it was. I enjoyed it and I kind of dug the fact that he used basic scare elements and applied them to a genuinely frightening situation. You didn't really see the creatures in that cave till halfway into the movie; he had us on our toes the whole time. This is what a good suspense/horror flick is meant to do. So, good job Neil!
Needless to say, I was actually expecting good things from his latest effort, Doomsday. But unfortunately folks, this movie blows. I can't even muster up enough words to form a sentence when I'm thinking about how mad I was, when I forced myself to sit through this film. It looked like somebody gave him a ton of cash and said "Hey Neil, go crazy!" and even with all that money, the production value (in all sincerity) still amounted to an epic "made for the sci-fi channel" movie of the week.
My favorite part is when Rhona Mitra's character pops out her bionic eyeball to spy on lurkers from around the corner. Oh, my. So, what is this about? I can't even tell you. I guess there's this pandemic and everybody almost dies and stuff, then skip to the future and like everyone is all crazy and stuff, they like to eat people and kill things with like neon arrows and crazy mo-hawks. Ugh. I'm moving on.
**********
Alone in the Dark (special edition)
Director: Uwe Boll Genre: Horror/Suspense
Theatrical Release Date: January 28, 2005
Plot: Based on the video game, Alone in the Dark focuses on Edward Carnby, a detective of the paranormal, who slowly unravels a mysterious event with deadly results.
This movie is almost 4 years old now but I don't care, they just put out a special edition with a new glossy cover, like that's going to change anything. Hey, if it's hiding out somewhere on the new release wall then it deserves to be on this list.
Okay, wow...where do I start? This film was directed by the master of disaster, Uwe Boll. Who is famously known for his movie adaptations of some of the worst video games I have ever played. Just run a simple google search and you'll see that there are actual online petitions to stop the distribution of his films. He's even challenged critics to boxing matches. His latest target was Michael Bay. Google it.
Here's one of my favorite review quotes about Alone in the Dark.
The late Gene Siskel once devised a simple method of measuring a film's worth: Is this film more interesting than a documentary of the same actors having lunch? 'Alone in the Dark doesn't come close to matching that standard' says Rossiter Drake of the San Francisco Examiner.
Tara Reid who plays an archaeologist, can't seem to hold her own with the complicated structure of a formatted screenplay. It almost seems as if she's reading off of a set of cue cards and the person who is holding them is actually playing a trick on our beloved party girl by holding them upside down. Christian Slater is just as bad. The effects are cheesy and the story line is not efficient enough to hold your attention. Rather, you will be too busy laughing at the performances to even care.
Ya know what; I recommend you see this movie at least once, it's a riot.
**********
Shutter
Director: Masayuki Ochiai Genre: Horror/Suspense
Theatrical Release Date: March 21, 2008
Plot: A newly married couple discovers disturbing, ghostly images in photographs they develop after a tragic accident. Fearing the manifestations may be connected; they investigate and learn that some mysteries are better left unsolved.
I was a fan of the original and that's all I'm going to say on the matter. Sad to see it tank here in the states.
**********
10,000 BC
Director: Roland Emmerich Genre: Action/Adventure
Theatrical Release Date: March 7, 2008
Plot: A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.
100 million dollar piece of ***t.
**********
Meet the Spartans
Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer Genre: Comedy/Spoof
Theatrical Release Date: Jan 25, 2008
Plot: In Sparta when babies where born they would check them for defects. If they had anything wrong with them they would reject it. Huh?
When you're getting made fun of for making fun of someone else, then you know you've done something terribly wrong. The guys who made this film were probably tired of getting their shorts pulled down in phys ed class, so much so, they swore to one day attack the bigger guy, someone or something worthy enough of all their years of pre-pubescent torture. Unfortunately for us, they landed writing gigs in Hollywood.
I like spoof comedies. Take a look at Mel Brooks i.e. Spaceballs, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. How about...This is Spinal Tap or perhaps Airplane? What about Leslie Nielsen and the 100 spoof comedies he's starred in? These are all classic flicks. Hell, even Scary Movie 1 and 2 were funny and commercially successful.
What happened? I mean, it's sad; we are now heavily sedated with these doses of obscure paparazzi centered realty shows, almost to the point of numbness where we can't even distinguish when someone is making fun of us. In Meet the Spartans, we are the ones getting are trousers pulled to the ground and it's not even funny.
Have you guys seen Idiocracy by Mike Judge? (Creator of Office Space, King of the Hill) Go rent it, then re-read this post. That is the closest rendition of what our future might look like if we keep farting around. Hey, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer! Stop it already; you're not helping the cause.
**********
RUNNER UP: THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE
There you have it. I hope I didn't offend anybody with my opinions. These are only my suggestions. We all look out a different window. Although I'm pretty sure, some of these films are unanimously stinky. What do you think?
written by: John Darko
2008 has seen some great films like The Dark Knight and Wall-e but how about those stinkers?
Sometimes, I'll flip over the cover and skim the synopsis; in hopes to see if the story might strike an interest. On stranger afternoon's, I'll stroll in wearing my pajamas, close my eyes and grab a new release...but the majority of the time, I'll just pick up something familiar - or - commercially viable. Because sometimes I just don't have the energy and I know that I can also be overly indecisive.
So, here are five flicks I urge you to stay away from, no matter how shiny that DVD cover may seem to be.
**********
Doomsday
Director: Neil Marshall Genre: Action/Adventure
Theatrical Release Date: March 14, 2008
Plot: A futuristic action thriller where a team of people work to prevent a disaster threatening the future of the human race.
Now here's a classic case of good director turned bad. Neil Marshall everyone, directed The Descent. Not a great film but it was good for what it was. I enjoyed it and I kind of dug the fact that he used basic scare elements and applied them to a genuinely frightening situation. You didn't really see the creatures in that cave till halfway into the movie; he had us on our toes the whole time. This is what a good suspense/horror flick is meant to do. So, good job Neil!
Needless to say, I was actually expecting good things from his latest effort, Doomsday. But unfortunately folks, this movie blows. I can't even muster up enough words to form a sentence when I'm thinking about how mad I was, when I forced myself to sit through this film. It looked like somebody gave him a ton of cash and said "Hey Neil, go crazy!" and even with all that money, the production value (in all sincerity) still amounted to an epic "made for the sci-fi channel" movie of the week.
My favorite part is when Rhona Mitra's character pops out her bionic eyeball to spy on lurkers from around the corner. Oh, my. So, what is this about? I can't even tell you. I guess there's this pandemic and everybody almost dies and stuff, then skip to the future and like everyone is all crazy and stuff, they like to eat people and kill things with like neon arrows and crazy mo-hawks. Ugh. I'm moving on.
**********
Alone in the Dark (special edition)
Director: Uwe Boll Genre: Horror/Suspense
Theatrical Release Date: January 28, 2005
Plot: Based on the video game, Alone in the Dark focuses on Edward Carnby, a detective of the paranormal, who slowly unravels a mysterious event with deadly results.
This movie is almost 4 years old now but I don't care, they just put out a special edition with a new glossy cover, like that's going to change anything. Hey, if it's hiding out somewhere on the new release wall then it deserves to be on this list.
Okay, wow...where do I start? This film was directed by the master of disaster, Uwe Boll. Who is famously known for his movie adaptations of some of the worst video games I have ever played. Just run a simple google search and you'll see that there are actual online petitions to stop the distribution of his films. He's even challenged critics to boxing matches. His latest target was Michael Bay. Google it.
Here's one of my favorite review quotes about Alone in the Dark.
The late Gene Siskel once devised a simple method of measuring a film's worth: Is this film more interesting than a documentary of the same actors having lunch? 'Alone in the Dark doesn't come close to matching that standard' says Rossiter Drake of the San Francisco Examiner.
Tara Reid who plays an archaeologist, can't seem to hold her own with the complicated structure of a formatted screenplay. It almost seems as if she's reading off of a set of cue cards and the person who is holding them is actually playing a trick on our beloved party girl by holding them upside down. Christian Slater is just as bad. The effects are cheesy and the story line is not efficient enough to hold your attention. Rather, you will be too busy laughing at the performances to even care.
Ya know what; I recommend you see this movie at least once, it's a riot.
**********
Shutter
Director: Masayuki Ochiai Genre: Horror/Suspense
Theatrical Release Date: March 21, 2008
Plot: A newly married couple discovers disturbing, ghostly images in photographs they develop after a tragic accident. Fearing the manifestations may be connected; they investigate and learn that some mysteries are better left unsolved.
I was a fan of the original and that's all I'm going to say on the matter. Sad to see it tank here in the states.
**********
10,000 BC
Director: Roland Emmerich Genre: Action/Adventure
Theatrical Release Date: March 7, 2008
Plot: A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.
100 million dollar piece of ***t.
**********
Meet the Spartans
Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer Genre: Comedy/Spoof
Theatrical Release Date: Jan 25, 2008
Plot: In Sparta when babies where born they would check them for defects. If they had anything wrong with them they would reject it. Huh?
When you're getting made fun of for making fun of someone else, then you know you've done something terribly wrong. The guys who made this film were probably tired of getting their shorts pulled down in phys ed class, so much so, they swore to one day attack the bigger guy, someone or something worthy enough of all their years of pre-pubescent torture. Unfortunately for us, they landed writing gigs in Hollywood.
I like spoof comedies. Take a look at Mel Brooks i.e. Spaceballs, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. How about...This is Spinal Tap or perhaps Airplane? What about Leslie Nielsen and the 100 spoof comedies he's starred in? These are all classic flicks. Hell, even Scary Movie 1 and 2 were funny and commercially successful.
What happened? I mean, it's sad; we are now heavily sedated with these doses of obscure paparazzi centered realty shows, almost to the point of numbness where we can't even distinguish when someone is making fun of us. In Meet the Spartans, we are the ones getting are trousers pulled to the ground and it's not even funny.
Have you guys seen Idiocracy by Mike Judge? (Creator of Office Space, King of the Hill) Go rent it, then re-read this post. That is the closest rendition of what our future might look like if we keep farting around. Hey, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer! Stop it already; you're not helping the cause.
**********
RUNNER UP: THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE
There you have it. I hope I didn't offend anybody with my opinions. These are only my suggestions. We all look out a different window. Although I'm pretty sure, some of these films are unanimously stinky. What do you think?
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