20 Songs for Weiners
August 11th 2007 04:29
Today I was hanging out with a cage boxer who was discussing songs that he liked. For a 6 foot 4 inch tough guy with a six pack and skeleton tats, his taste in music was pretty sissy. Our conversation got me to thinking.
Here is my vote for 20 old school songs that paved the way for weiners everywhere:
10. (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight: Cutting Crew (1986)
These British New Wavers died on the charts shortly after this swooning rocker helped the men of the '80s get in touch with their emotions.
9. 'To Be With You': Mr. Big (1991)
The sole No. 1 hit for hard-rock shredders Mr. Big was more likely to be heard around a campfire than in a rock club. The follow-up single was 'Just Take My Heart,' further proof that sappy sells. Especially in Japan.
8. 'Don't Give Up On Us': David Soul (1976)
Before this singer-turned-actor became famous as Starsky's Hutch, he was a regular on 'The Merv Griffin Show.' Appearing as the Covered Man, he performed folk songs in a ski mask. I kid you not.
7. 'More Than Words': Extreme (1991)
After this long-haired Boston foursome failed to hit big with heavy metal, they went straight for the sell-out ballad, complete with the requisite acoustic-guitars-on-stools video. More common at '90s high school dances than spiked punch.
6. 'Right Here Waiting': Richard Marx (1989)
Richard Marx owes the public two apologies: One for the mullet and another for this mopey ballad, which still pops up just when we think it's safe to get our teeth cleaned.
5. 'All By Myself': Eric Carmen (1976)
Carmen was one of the power-pop firecrackers of the '70s. Going solo evidently sucked all the spark out of the poor shlub.
4. 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers' Neil Diamond & Barbra Streisand (1978)
It's the merging of guilty pleasures. Neil meets Babs in a violin-ridden tale of love that's expired like their careers. "You don't bring me flowers; you don't sing me love songs . . ." Sounds like an episode of 'Dr. Phil.'
3. 'If'": Bread (1971)
The uncontested champions of wuss, these hair-parted-in-the-middle, slacks-wearing California boys have forgotten more classic whimperings than James Blunt will ever write. Nothing showed off sensitivity to the ladies like a 'Best of Bread' 8-track. By comparison, the Eagles were Slayer.
2. 'Longer': Dan Fogelberg (1979)
Of the lawsuits holding musicians responsible for violent lyrics, comedian Denis Leary once quipped, "Does that mean I can sue Dan Fogelberg for making me into a pussy in the mid-'70s." After citing a couple of this song's Hallmark-card metaphors, the prosecution could rest.
1. 'Mandy': Barry Manilow (1974)
This first chart hit from the man who would continually reset the bar for pop wussiness was a No. 1 smash. Astonishing stat: 10 of Barry's first 11 hits topped the adult contemporary chart. But for God's sake, somebody f**k the guy already and stop him from shakin'.
Here is my vote for 20 old school songs that paved the way for weiners everywhere:
10. (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight: Cutting Crew (1986)
These British New Wavers died on the charts shortly after this swooning rocker helped the men of the '80s get in touch with their emotions.
9. 'To Be With You': Mr. Big (1991)
The sole No. 1 hit for hard-rock shredders Mr. Big was more likely to be heard around a campfire than in a rock club. The follow-up single was 'Just Take My Heart,' further proof that sappy sells. Especially in Japan.
8. 'Don't Give Up On Us': David Soul (1976)
Before this singer-turned-actor became famous as Starsky's Hutch, he was a regular on 'The Merv Griffin Show.' Appearing as the Covered Man, he performed folk songs in a ski mask. I kid you not.
7. 'More Than Words': Extreme (1991)
After this long-haired Boston foursome failed to hit big with heavy metal, they went straight for the sell-out ballad, complete with the requisite acoustic-guitars-on-stools video. More common at '90s high school dances than spiked punch.
6. 'Right Here Waiting': Richard Marx (1989)
5. 'All By Myself': Eric Carmen (1976)
Carmen was one of the power-pop firecrackers of the '70s. Going solo evidently sucked all the spark out of the poor shlub.
4. 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers' Neil Diamond & Barbra Streisand (1978)
It's the merging of guilty pleasures. Neil meets Babs in a violin-ridden tale of love that's expired like their careers. "You don't bring me flowers; you don't sing me love songs . . ." Sounds like an episode of 'Dr. Phil.'
3. 'If'": Bread (1971)
The uncontested champions of wuss, these hair-parted-in-the-middle, slacks-wearing California boys have forgotten more classic whimperings than James Blunt will ever write. Nothing showed off sensitivity to the ladies like a 'Best of Bread' 8-track. By comparison, the Eagles were Slayer.
2. 'Longer': Dan Fogelberg (1979)
Of the lawsuits holding musicians responsible for violent lyrics, comedian Denis Leary once quipped, "Does that mean I can sue Dan Fogelberg for making me into a pussy in the mid-'70s." After citing a couple of this song's Hallmark-card metaphors, the prosecution could rest.
1. 'Mandy': Barry Manilow (1974)
This first chart hit from the man who would continually reset the bar for pop wussiness was a No. 1 smash. Astonishing stat: 10 of Barry's first 11 hits topped the adult contemporary chart. But for God's sake, somebody f**k the guy already and stop him from shakin'.
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Comment by David
hahahahaha @ your comments after each song, especially this one:
Anything by Air Supply ('Love and Other Bruises' etc - an episode of Springer perhaps?
Bryan Adams - 'Everything I do ... ' (So bad I can't even type the whole song title).
We've got some beauties out here in Australia but the best would be:
Mark Holden (current Australian Idol Judge, former soapie star) 'I want to make you my lady' ...
David ...
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I am so glad that you enjoyed this post.
Air Supply would have made a top 20 list for sure. I forgot about that Bryan Adams song... very wretched if you ask me.
I am trying to find the Mark Holden song so that I can properly make fun of it!
Thanks for hanging out with me. Always a pleasure!
Mis
Comment by Bo
Only because "Zero Tolerance" policies sucked all the fun out of mischief.
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Hey you mischief maker... I am surprised that Zero Tolerance policies got in your way.....
Comment by James Rickard
unlucky_ fishermen.com
Angling Fish
Check this out...
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I admire your dedication to brotherly duty. Air Supply (so lame).... The Stones put on a pretty good show so I guess that any seat is better than none!
Mis
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
BRILLIANT post! I loved your comments. Bloody hilarious.
I totally agree with you about Barry Manilow. I was in Ireland a couple of years ago and Westlife (irish boyband) had just released a cover version of Mandy! I was appalled. We were watching MTv or something like that when the film came on and I started ranting and raving. My sister and her friend that we were visiting didn't even know it was a cover. I mean c'mon.....who the hell cover's Mandy???? Girliest song going round.
I see James beat me to it, but I'd suggest just about anything by Air Supply can be put on the list!
Kylie
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I am so glad that you enjoyed it. Praise indeed that you find it High-larious!
Barry Manilow is such a wanker..... I saw him in an airport once. He is definitely one "little man!
Comment by Mr Nice Guy
Pop Culturist
Pop Rock Factory
Now that's a great weiner selection. David Soul would have to be close to the top of my list with that classic though anything by Micheal Bolton would also come pretty close.
Perhaps throw in David Gates (from Bread fame) and Goodbye Girl and you've got a the building blocks for a tremendous compilation CD.
Cheers to you
MNG
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks for stopping by. No weiner selection is complete without Michael Bolton (or Kenny G for that matter). Thanks for reminding me. I know that Michael leaves middle aged female audiences in pools of sweat and lustful dreams but I could not see it!
Oh David Gates ..."Baby I'm-A Want You" What the hell is wrong with him. Stupidest lyrics ever
Goodbye Girl Don't even get me started!
Cheers to you too! Thanks for stopping by!
Mis